Hello

cross out everyword.
underline every lie.
touch every printed picture.

i want to stop balancing my two different groups.



and it's all about what i did wrong.

I'm angry,
I'm mad,
and i want my words to come out right, fuck you all

I'm sorry

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phenylketonuria

you can't do what you want to do because of this.
I love you baby, I do

nothing days

effect that twinkle in blue green waters,
andcause me to lay my head on those desks i dreaded coming too,
and gives me only one thing to look forward to,
long, long nights,
10pm phone calls,
stories,
and cd's i burn like a machine.

i'd like to make a list for a few seconds for you to read.
1.you didn't deserve anything you got, i'd give it all back to you, even if it ment agony to me..
2. i'm trying very hard, but it hurts alot.
3. i need new music
4.i want it to be summer
5.has a year already passed.........?............
6.i don't remember what i was doing, have been doing.
7. It's 7:21 ppm. and i don't know what i have planned out for the rest of the night
8. I wanna sleep till i don't feel anything
9. i want you to talk to me again
10. Bye.








"Hey, ain't life wonderful? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... Isn't everything wonderful now?"

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way
No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over again
I just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

A new missing hit

wens.

I'm going to

Slid beneath th sheets and come back up when I can understand things

Officaly

The worst breakdown I have ever had. But, I guess when you hit a speed bumb.. Or a brick wall in this case, you have to get up and move on.

You can't make a new begining, but you can make a new ending

Tuesday morning

I wake up at 11. Have nothing to do today,
online shopping,
cleaning my room,
and listen to starfucker and the rest of my new playlist till my ears bleed,
hey hi hello 2010

hello spring break

Sometimes

I need to be alone.

My defintion of

the colors are different then yours.

And it's so good. i just want a song that'll pick me up off my fett and carry me around, light and carefreee. one i can cry to and scream too. because i'm so grounded i'm sinking, and it's a constant movign and no perfect place that i want to be in. I speak calmly collected and right when i'm with you. But my home is different then yours, my balancing act invloves more then yours, and now tha i'm sadly thinking again i have even MORE to handle. Even more days we're im just sad and tired, and sleepy. and more days where i can barely put my razor back away after i take it out. Where i look at my scars and wish i didn't have promises, and wish it wasn't such a WANT.

I just try to see a few years ahead to where i can drive. Where i can get out of the house and just let loose. IF you haven't been able to tell.. all my life has been for the last two years has been losing myself. Because i'm just tryign to escape my mind and my reality. That i'm a slut, i'm gaining weight, i'm not good enough for my mom, i can't suck in enough, i don't measure up, i'm not funny, i'm akward, i hate home, and just me. I've never been happy wiht myself, or where i am.

That i don't really belong anywhere.


Cut a a little deeper.
Push a little harder.
Scream louder.
Hit harder.
Run faster.

It doesnt matter what damage you do, it can be repaired. just keep going.



AND YOUR TEXTS JUST MAKE ME MAD YOU HYPOCRITE FUCK YOU AND ALL YOU'VE DONE TO ME THIS YEAR FUCK YOU FUCK EVRYTHING FUCK THAT YOU EVER MET ME



I hate you. I hate this. Most of all i hate me. and what a heel i've created out of it.


Ugh love you

Bad weeks

all eventually end. and you find a happy moment, like a heavy head on your shoulder on a car ride home. A sleepness night with girls you haven't seen in months. Burns of your rings on your skin. and feeling beautiful, alive and free for a few seconds.

You sleep, you stumble, and you put those songs on repeat,
Crawl up to the door,
run to your razor hidden in your drawr and stop.
Take a look.
Bite into it.
and walk away.

You wear boxer shorts, and too big T-shirts when youre falling.

You burn CDs.


But, it doesn't change how bad those bad days are. or how they hit with a big force, or how stingly painful home is when that car drives up, and how defensive you are. It doesn't chnage anything at those moments. But. But. BUT those happy moments are things to live for. and how his green touchs your red. and you mix into a solid form.
and your blue and red can mix.
and that it'll be better eventually..


And till then you'll run and do push ups and crunchs and cry.
and school and ride. and sleep.

and you'll live

For every good day

there will be a bad,
not burnign tear at your skin
feel it split
bad

but bad
sad
lay in your bed and not want to see the sun
bad

bad enough.

Bad enough so i don't want to talk. i don't want to stand up and move. and i don't don't want to be with you


I must have sneezed, on knees I freeze
I mean, I just choked up
But somehow I slept, I dream, I mean
I dreamt of nothing

I'm able to breathe a sweet relief
Now that you're here for me
A northern degree dove into me
Now I'm recovering

I only want you to see
My favorite part of me
And not my ugly side
And not my ugly side, ugly side

So hook up a C.B
Wave a way for conversation flow
I'm shoved in your cage, to wage this rage
Don't let me go

A kick and a scream
Is all that seems to mean a lot, thus far
Yeah, I won't let you on my stage, my page
You can't know, yet you have to know

And that I only want you to see
My favorite part of me
And not my ugly side
And not my ugly side

I only want you to see
My favorite part of me
And not my ugly side
And not my ugly side

So calm, ohh ooh
And it's so calm

And now it's dark
I look for you to light my heart
I'm between the moon and where you are
I know I can't be far

I know i can do this

and i am.

I'm studying, i am prepared for school, i'm balancing my life. I'm trying. I'm doing this. I see the good and bad, i'm blending our colors.... i'm doing it.


i can