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Mementooo

don’t even know how long she’s been gone.

It’s like I’ve woken up in the bed and she’s not here…

…because she’s gone to the bathroom or something.

But somehow, I know she’s never gonna come back to bed.




If I could just…

…reach over and touch…

…her side of the bed…

…I would know that it was cold, but I can’t.



I know I can’t have her back…

…but I don’t want to wake up in the morning, thinking she’s still here.

.


I lie here not knowing…

…how long I’ve been alone.



So how…

…how can I heal?

How am I supposed to heal,

if I can’t…

…feel time?

My stomach aches
and I'm realizing at this point my two lives aren't ever going to balance quite right
it's fine it's fine
because as it goes
I can be strong and weak and little and tall and still be
fine with this seperation
holding his green
and our gold
it doesn't matter if it doesn't fit just right all the time

if I care, and you care, what does that have to matter?
We're all a little different,
all a little scared
but whatever it is,
I don't care

breaking fear,
is harder then standing up to whiskey laced breathe
and razor blade words.

the little cut on my ankle keeps me to occupied with the time.
waiting
waiting


One more day, and no more grey
One more day

I don't know

who the fuck you think wrote that,
but it wasn't ME.

If i had a problem with you, i'd just spit it out, i don't need hidden little messages on a dumb wwebsite to tell you the truth

Burning

a candle at both ends,
wait more then both.

Fucking everything is weighted, and i don't need to hear this shit from all ends, i've got some many ears, so many problems, and only so thin i can spread myself.

Seth Devlin: Did you call the fucking cops?
Donnie: Deus ex machina...
Seth Devlin: What did you say? What the fuck did you just say?
Donnie: Our saviour.

I'm thankful for a mother who no matter how many fights or disagreement we get in, she stills comes over at night and takes me home, keeps me safe.
I'm thankful for a stepmom who makes my dad pull over and starts driving, who trys to keep me safe.
I'm thankful for a boyfriend who says it's okay to cry, and holds me really tight.
I'm thankful for friends who follow me to another room when i'm on the phone, even if we haven't talked in months, and makes sure i'm okay.
I'm thankful for friends who offer to leave the party to drive me home.
I'm thankful for friends who send me texts telling me they hope everything is okay.
I'm thankful for friends saying i can go into the front room.
I'm thankful for friends who hug me when i'm crying.

I'm thankful for a dad who's trying atleast, and crys when talking to me.

Hello

3days till i'm free from this orange and white playground of too much homework, too much faking, and fucking pure bliss.
My mom bought me a pretty necklace, and a short black dress.

I'm going phone and swimsuit shopping tomorrow, and i've got more grad parties to attend then time it's self.

It's May 21st, and about a year ago.. i was screaming and dancing with my closet friends, but of all, i was faking it. I felt nothing towards that night.



Someone should call me tonight

I just want to sleep..

Waking up with your words on my ear
you pulled me back
chasing myself over hard touched feet

red rain is falling on my blue skin
and oh I feel so good
but it's the best of times
and it's the worst of times to feel alive

the good chases the bad
the tease
and tickle
and yell
and just make eachother worse with razor blade tongues

it's a chase across bridges
and memories
but waking up is sweeet, like a cold classroom
with blue carpet
and a teacher that held you when you cried.

Everything is sweet,
if you don't remeber the pain

I've got this

Deep breathe

It's all okay :)
deep breaths and a nap, that's all I need. I've got this. :)

Bad day

For oncce in a great while I just want to cry and sleep,
I'm trying.

I'm angry but sad. I guess I just use anger as a coverup of being hurt, sad, upset.




Oh no. Trouble in paradise, just lack of sleep... Just lack of sleep.

5/18/10

I commited 22 just to get over you..
my belly aches blue.
Lorazepam flu
I'm down for the count
Always three times a day
Sometimes four
A bee stings right through the arm
The high swing I ride upon
My eyes can't quite focus on
The nurse with my Lucky Charms
Well a two step was just a laugh
Our boundaries were broke in half
It's a good thing to know
As you walk into group for the show

knock-knock on the window pane
My smoke break, the hour rang
My quiet roommate sleeps the same
Woke up when dinner came
The man's no more than forty old
Arrived scared two days ago
A family of earth and gold
But still nottheless alone
I learned quick. Knew what to say
Then three angels walked my way
In Spanish tongue they knelt to pray
And said "God keep him safe
From screaming voices"
They became my family
Outstretched their hands are on my head
You know, I can feel them breathing
They actually knelt down and prayed for me
They actually knelt down and prayed for me

Don't you dare put me on H.R.S.A
Does self abuse extend your hospital stay?
I think I'll lie a bit
Lord I won't cry over anything
Over anything at all
I won't cry over anything at all

I need you right now

please so bad, please make me tell you what's wrong.

I feel like such a idiot sometimes.. Like everything that's stressing me out is just in my head, and everything is fine. Perfectly and squarely away. I need you sometimes.





Atleast I notice you pick up my underlying tones of being bothered

I'm struggling under this weight,
My body's bending and twisting
and I can't breathe
where are you

where are you

I'm going

to fucking pee myself.
I didn't think they were going to come back for atleast another year...
http://www.arizonafallfrenzy.com/

Please god go with me guys

Everything

Aches,
I have so much to do.. I guess.. I suppose..

It's time for another run, and a few more situps, and some pushups.. I can distract myself for now.

Give me a pretty red dress, and let me control the speed in my life,
give me a car to drive in,
and a job to distract at,
give me a home to live in,

but really, just give me summah

Someone

Give Jack back his friggin journal..... Please):



Lifes a little pale, and I'm hoping a pretty red dress, a bike, and summer will pick things up.
Even though I couldn't walk straight, I'd always carry the weight of you Jack.
As long as you don't leave m3 in random stores.


Nightnight, someone call me

Some dreams

I know I will never be able to achieve

A family

Of earth and gold... but still none the less alone.

Sometimes you hvae to take a deep breathe, relax and think.. "Man, I'm lucky to have such a good life" It isn't always that bad, and even if it is.. I've got 2 years till i can make it better.

So.. your life sucks, whatcha gonna do about it?

up by ten

Up by ten

to your shower heads of perfectly laced words,

justing spitting out 

hollowed out understatements and mistaken ideas

i take your hand in mine,

because for the scars i have given you

hard and cold and red,

i have had in return, 

blue and soft and warm

It's a backwards world, and today is a backwards day,

all i can think of is the sickly sweet smell

of smoke on my fingers,

and hair,

a wall filled with words and pictures,

music that never ends,

and a house full of secrets and your straight brown hair,

and cold warm smile..

of running across the dark streets,

and a blue blue stage

We can still smoke our first cigarets, and drink our first wine,

hold hands when i cry,

and listen to the band that makes us alive

I'm making a list, and unlike the list we made for this year,

this one is going to get done.

If that's okay

by your side i'll stay forever.

If i have anything in me, anything from the last 3 years, I know this is possible.

"don't lose yourself or your hope"

Up down
up down
up down
up down
up down
up down

deep breathe, everything's fine.

Red streak

in,
smile on.

Oh hey bliss, nice to see you again.

What to do to do

I want a streak of color... bad. So, let's piss off my parents,

what color guys?









either way, summer should be fun with this

http://www.juicycouture.com/shoponline/accessoriesjewelry/jewelry/braceletsrings/prod-2KKU

http://www.juicycouture.com/shoponline/accessoriesjewelry/jewelry/braceletsrings/prodY0F8R

http://www.juicycouture.com/shoponline/accessoriesjewelry/jewelry/necklaces/prodY0F8S

http://www.juicycouture.com/shoponline/accessoriesjewelry/jewelry/necklaces/prodY9561

http://www.asos.com/Asos/Asos-Oversized-Bow-Bandeau-Bikini-Top-With-Detachable-Straps/Prod/pgeproduct.aspx?iid=939739&cid=2238&sh=0&pge=7&pgesize=20&sort=-1&clr=Dancefloor+Pink



I really shouldn't be allowed to look at things online, but god what are you supposed to do at 8:31 on a friday night?.. right?

Some things

are never going to change. and all i can ask for is waking up strong, recently that's hard to do.

Where am i going? when does this get easy? And why is it so hard to find a place I belong?

Dear Me

stop
being so sensitive,
start ignoring the dumb things,
start focusing on the good things,
play that song a few more times,
go to bed early,
go on that run,
pull your chin up,
say a proper goodnight,
go to bed,

somethings are never going to change,
so stop getting nervous,
but sometimes, i know you need reassurance,
but you can't get that if you don't ask,
chin up sunshine,
your nails are blue not black,
this in 9th grade not 8th,
your hair is short not long,
and you're fine and ready.
fine and ready
fine, good, great, awesome,
you're great.

Stop picking out small things,
it's going to be alright.
summer's almost here, even though that's kinda fucked now.
It's okay,
deep breathes.
You're fine.
you. are. fine.

Go to bed.
Chin up,
you've got blue skies,
you've got blue skies,
you've got blue skies,
you've got blue skies,
you've got blue skies,
you've got blue skies,
you've got blue skies,
you've got blue skies,
you've got blue skies,
you've got blue skies,
you've got blue skies,
you've got this girl. I know ya do.

Love, Me

ya know

things aren't always bad,
:)

Irony

IS SO GREAT SOMETIMES

fuck you daddy poo,

Online

Shopping, and posting short haphazard blogs are addictions

Always running

Running
running
going

but I make time, I thought maybe.. Well it doesn't matter, plans never work out on weeks like this. We've tried before. No matter how much I try. But whatever.

I have
three mothers day presents to buy
teri's birthday
mom's birthday
alex's birthday
hannah's birthday
homework
study for geometry
study for French
ride
get enough sleep(which will never happen, with or without pain killers and meds)
ride Elvis
ride Noah
ride blaze
ride Yankee
ride Hank
get my tooth finished
talk to you
text you
read
write my tkam report

godamnit godamnit I'm mad

All I gotta

Do is find the strength to get out the door
this day is dumb
I'm mad

Librayy wiff

KORY AND JESSICA :D

happy days, oh yeah.


"So here's a preview shove it under old-new
Or call it rock or pop or Bach or fuck
Goddamn where did we go wrong
Now there's a category for every song

Yeah we only want to sing when we want to
Yeah we only want a dream we can flaunt to
Yeah we only want to fly by the side making love to the rhythm be a Jekyll and a Hyde
Yeah we only want a field we can run through
Yeah we only want a beat we can drum to
Yeah we only want to fly by the side making love to the rhythm be a Jekyll and a Hyde

So stride if you fail at least you tried
To keep your aching celebrating wonder making heart alive
And pride don't keep it all inside
Don't keep your aching celebrating wonder making heart alone
Write your own song

Gonna wake up strong ya we're all gonna wake up strong...

Gonna wake up strong ya we're all gonna wake up strong..."

Hello

Can you hear me?
Are you all still here?
What are you doing?
Where are you?
How are you?
Where are WE?
Anyone?
Helllloooo?
It's not just me here is it?
I know I'm not alone, right?
Mackenzie?
Jack?
Savannah?
Anyone?...




Silence. Being alone isn't bad sometimes, but I know I can't do it alone anymore.


Are we all still here?

Hapzhapz

Birthday Michael:)

long day,
but things are balancing out,
but you know,
somewhere,
12months ago... I couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't leave from my safe harbor.

I had a pretty dress, a locket, a pinky ring, and long unruly hair,
you had a teal sweater, beautiful smile, music to dance too, and beautifull dress, and the world.
I still think you do sweetie.


Night, yay codiene and pain killers

Doodedadadooodedada

Everybodys gonna love today
love today
love today
everybodys gonna love today

anyway you want to
anyway you got to
love, love, love me!

:)

The Ellen show, eurotrip meeting, no homework, and running, yeah good day.

When you call me out of the blue,
it makes me happy all week,

let alone when you ask me to call you

When

Does it start getting fun?

Alright, someone please make my face stop hurting

Mom, where are you?

I can't tell where here or there is,
please wake me up tonight with phone calls

I'm calling on

Blue skies
blue skies don't take them away

because I'll never stop loving MY blue skies

I'm only

Mad because I hate being sad.

Cause

We all have sorry hearts

Fuck everything and everyone

god damn it. I'm so fucking angry