Why is only... The 30th?

The impossible choices that we just can't choice. I always have said, there's always a third option, a scapegoat. But recently I wouldhave to say that I couldn't be more wrong. There seems to be no at around, out or through to make this right. Make my life worthwhile. In general my life feels usless placeless and there seems to be no impact. Is there anything I've done for you? I think not. Each day is repetivE and I don't care. Each night I dream the same objective dreams with no point or place. Everything that has or will happen has no affect and no feeling of.. Imporantce.

"so I wipe the blood from both of they're eyes all four of they're eyes"

She. I was asked if there was something to my life to make it better, I answered nothing. There is nothing that is easily reachable for me to have to make my life better. Going back in time be reliving 8th grade will help none. The past is the past and I know that. I may cherish those memories move than my life, but it'll do nothing. Because in 365 days ill be sitting here again. Running home from school, doing the work that's my mind doesn't even think about, and closing my blinds. Sitting, playing blue October. SCREAMING blue October. And fighting off every urge to make this perminet. A fixated spot staining months and years of my life. It gets to a point though. When your at your climax, and you just have to go.

I'm going.

There's only one thing to make this better, and let me tell you, there's no fucking way that'll ever happy. I want manic backx38639639xx

Everyday every minute every mroning I bomb onto the same locked doors and bolted down windows, I don't know how to break it to you,
But I can't be with you.

But I want to be with him

I want to

Be. So. Many. Different. Things.

Though

The blue october concert has only been two months ago.. it feels like years. Highschool has less to offer now. i have less to wake up for, and less to care about. I can't help but say i am a totally different person then when even highschool began. and.. my mood is dramaticlydifferent. I was manicly happy, and being all too blunt, i most defintly am not now. Theres a uncertinancy to each step i take down the hall, and word i say. No one is to blame. Not even myself, thus beign there is no out routes, in routes or places to hid. No room to go in to instead of teh bathroom, no desk to cry behind, and no teacher that actually cares, it gets down to a point where you, i, wonder if anyone does care. Including yourself.
There are personailty traits that are unflatoring, and you don't care for, that you find in yourself. Your view of yourelf goes down, and your body and mind are changign you don't even know whats happening. WEight that you don't want is gaining places you don't want it to be. Let's not even talk about my mind, our mind.
I want to be things, look ways, and have things that are impossible to have. I'm too directly dependent on things i shouldn't be, and i have a knack for leading people on to belive certain things. Or not to belive things. I'm a mixture of nothing but truth and lies that don't blend into anything, and just don't form or make sense. Unless i'm with one person.
Then, then i show my true emotions, i am Saskia Davies, old, present, and new. 6th grade Saskia, 7th grade Saskia 8th grade Saskia, and now, Freshman Saskia. I am insecure, falling to peices, and tiny, i'm tough, big, and beautifull, i have the cement to put myself back together with her, and the gates surrondign me to do so. I can cry, and can show just what everythign means to me. I can say what i want to be. Who i want to be. That wall holding everythign in, all the anger, the tears, the swear words, the confusion. just comes out. and i'm happy.

What is a best friend? Everything.

Mackenzie Crawford is my best friend.



High school is hard. I'm not talking about the school work or the groups of friends. But the fact of how i'm growing changign and everyone else is too. it's a place in finding yourself, because what you thought you knew, or think you know now.. gets blown out of the water. while there was dramtic change in middle school, for atleast me and a few others i know. The things we experinced there is nothing like what we are goign through now. It may not be familar, and it may not be right. But it is everything, and for god sakes everything i have now in a way. I love it. That's right, i guess i love it, in a sick silly stupid way, because i know, once this is over.. i'm going to be still me. Just different. Just like it will always be. I will never, never be afraid to give into changing, and never afriad to stand up for what i want.

The fact being

I haven't posted in awhile.
and the fact being,
this blog is dedicated intirly to much to my love escapdes.


So that's stopping about... NOW.

Down

That's the song that's blastign out of laura's computer's speakers.
It's kinda sad, how screwed up things are. and yeah, jesus. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME HAPPY LAURA.

hehhe. Well, i'm partying with laura and richard,. And i don't think i want to go to jefff's so i'm not. Ohh, the song cahnged to basshunter :D yayay

GUESS WHAT? i don't care about you right now, because i have to be happy right now. i love you.

What goes up

Must come down.
Hello, and welcome to Saskia's going to complian about her life blog.

OH MY GOD.

Alrighty, Zak and i broke up. I've officially lost all confidence in my maturity. and in affect i have lost alot of confidence in myslef. I actually hate how much i miss him. Because i miss him more than i missed jeff. I infact., missed what jeff and i were, while i miss Zak as a person now. He doesn't even talk to me. i don't thinki he's said one word to me directly since we've broken up. I'm actually really sad about the whole fact, and i really really reaalllly do miss him. and i WANT to date him still, because the fact is i don't date people unless i really like them. yeah. i really liked him. But am i weighing how shitty he made me feel? no. I'm not. I'm not talking about how we got in stupig arguments, and how the last week we were together i felt worse than i have ever felt. D: But all i can think is how i miss him lying next to me, and wrappign his arms around me, and him holding me. and him walkign home for me, and missing part of his lunch to walk me to class. and how i thought "hey, i could really love this kid". I miss how he made me feel, and how we were. but, hey.. life ,moves on. well, that's not what i'm thinking, but i have to say somethign right? i mean, i can't just let that take over me, it has for too long.

I'm havign to go to church today. then NCL, and then... ummm. tuba lesson. ugh. too much shit. then another week of fucking hell at school, and walking to classes by myself. So buh bye. No more angry mad sad ssaskia blogging for you :P

Life can

Suck my dick!

It's been too long

that i've been down.
Too long.
I don't know what to do with myself, and i'm just waiting for a break down.