Hello

This is the girl i am now, take a good hard look at her, hate her. love her. be jealous. feel pity. look away. stare. don't worry. stress. call her. ignore her. become her friend. forget any friendships with her. kiss her. hit her. but most of all hate her. hate her.

This is who i really am. My short 5 minute breakdowns, then it's back up, wiping my face to another day. Everything peels off at night, and i'm frozen in a state of black, and just how i don't know anymore. I've perfected the art of not thinking. pushing everythign to the back of my head for the whole day, or week.. or month if i'm lucky, distract myself long enough. Till it all bursts, and i'm layign on my bed fighting with myself. but it's okay. it's pretty. pretty's okay right?

It's odd

to just form a relationship with a almost stranger out of the air.. and tuesday we're goign to starbucks. and i don't know.. it's weird. We are the same person. in everything, i've never met someone like this.. smae taste in people, how we act, how pretty cuts are, how we are with sleeping. ahaha oh boy, it's weird. she's like the same person, justa yera old, and with different people... i don't know.. it's good.

Tuesday. we live on the same street actually, a few miles away, but still.

I don't understand

What I'm doing wrong

I really

Don't give a fuck right now.


Screw you Laura, Riley.

Opening up

your eyes and smiling through the fog of the night that has covered the brak of the day.

and i wonder, just when.. when this year will come to a solid ground, beause as with hatii, we started to shake again... and again.

We seem to be linked, no matter how discritly by song chain, molding and shaking, and we fall together, and grow together.





Today is thursday. Today i'm going to the dollar store. This week is much better then last.

I should most defintly

be asleep, and not listening to music. Not thinking. Not hoping my boyfriend my boyfriend would text me back. Not kinda mudering about things, and enjoyign the smell of sweeet, sweeeet, hair protectant,

no. I should be layign in bed, sleeping. but that's never been the way i am. i've always been pushign my limits, to such extremes too. every single rule, and everyday is a challenge i think. and.. i also don't try. I say fuck it. do under the expected, push the bar teh opposite way, and HARD.


It's a long day, and i take naps every day almost. i want weeeeekends to be lazy again. nights to be able to be up till 8. and wantign to talk more. talk more... be more.

NananannNN

After a Harrrrrrrdddd Assssss day yesterday, tidY feels good

I need a break

Because we're on the Same page here. And your bright and right.


I'm broken up, and left behind, because I don't know what's happened. But itts too far now, there's no turning backkkkkkkkkkkkkkk I want you to see in my min on how this page of my life would be described...

your assuming

things that aren't true.
My radio s tuned to ao different station then yours, and i'm not listening.. lalalalalaalalLALALALAL





/slant face/

It's alone time

that geIts me down if anything does,
or just the place or doing nothing at all.
I don't know if that makes sense to you, or if it remotely cracks into your skull of frozen
too good thoughts,

i don't even care. I don't. i don't. i don't. i don't.


I want to tell you, how i miss you, and why i lied, and why i'm really not allowed to come.
and how it has nothing to do with anything,
and how it's worse then ever at home,
and i keep staring at my sissors and my razors
and i don't have anythign holding me back anymore
and how i love you
every last one of you

and i want to tell him everything, and i want to tell her everything
and i want to explain to her, how i really love him.

But no one would belive me that in a month i could say that. but it's true. And i'm too weak to say any of that any way.



I want to be in his arms everynight,
and i want to be less akward and away from people
i want to be less of a bitch
i want to be a better person
i want to be in better shape
i don't want to have a stomach anymore
i want to do well in school
i want to get along with my mom
i want to tell her that i really love her
i want to tell her i'm sorry
i want to tell her we really don't have to fight
i want to tell my dad that his drinkign hurts me
i don't want to be so angry
i don't want to be so emotionless
I want to just wake up pretty
i want to have my long hair back
i don;t want to beb so doubtfull on your ideas
I don't want to push everythign the back of my mind whenever it is slightly emotional.

Those don't matter either.

welcome

to my world.

were half of your words are dramtics, and half of me just wants to totally forget being with you. and the other half wants to. It doens't matter iether way, because i know i;m goign to stay supsened mid air were i've been this whole year, just more honest, standing up for myself more, and maybe, maybe writing more. Either way. you'lll get mad at me i feel. all of you, and i know. know i deserve every last insuly,. and i don't even flinch anymore. it's whatever, i'll just run another mile, a nother 2o reps of weights. another 50 crunchs. it really doesn't matter, i mean. i feel the same every time. i Like my muscles burnign and chewing hard as possible on my gum, and weighing 108 pounds, and still feeling fat and runnign again.

Hello. Good bye. I'm not helathy. I'm not happy.
I'm healthy. I'm happy.


Gte over it. pick one side or the other i'm half and half. ohhh wel

I hope you all know

we're poets in all are own sense. A poem begins as a lump in the throat, a sense of wrong, a homesickness, a lovesickness. Anything. and that's what we've done, written out everyhting, opur little fleeting screaming, what our mouths couldn't say, because we are goldne to the sun, and we are here. and i swear, on every last cut i've cut, and every words, i';ve said; that we can only go up. higher, and higher, and higher...

Everything one invents is true, ou may be perfectly sure of that. Poetry is as precise as geometry. That's what we've done, precised us into opur scrambled words, and broken phrases, i'm happy to say i'm back in full working condition thank-you-very-much. I'm angry, indepedent, happy, angst, sorrowed, but i am undoubtfully happy. oh so happy. but i'ts past that, it's more that the fatc i can write to you, adress you, and i don't care anymore, i'm going to be honest, and i don't care, because i know, we're not goign to fall now. I can spiill for once, and break for once this year, because i've been holdign my head too high, and my face too solid. Fortunately analysis is not the only way to resolve inner conflicts. Life itself still remains a very effective therapist. I'm going to let the world, and my life take care of me, and i'm going to be less like granite, and less forceful, and a better friend, and a better person, and happier, and this year is goign to be better than the rest because i love you all. and all iw ant is for you guys to be happy biscuts. Experience is the teacher of all things, and we've had enough experience to last us till our 21st. but hey, we just have that jump start. No one said it would be easy, and by god, it hasn't, and i of all people have had it the easiest. So, hands down.

When there is a thign i can't put into words, and i can just mention how my head hurts from lack of sleep, or sleepign too much, or how song lyrics effect me, i come to you. i come to you first to explain how i love you. how the world is ugly, and hurtful and discusting, but beautiful,a nd perfect, and so good at the same time. I'm here too... i swear i will be from now on, my hand is open to take yours, and it'll be okay. Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness.

I'm no great writer or inspiration... and i don;t know shit. but i just thought... it's time to let somethigns hit the roof. and this is what i got.

Sometimes

People just make me sick.

Later tonight

Im going to write a long, streched out blog entry about everything, and anything, and it's going to be what i used to write like, and i'm going to spill everything, and it is goign to be everything EVERYTHING. but for now, i'm going back to my phone, and my boyfriend, and tracking my orders.. baha