"Saskia Davies
1/29/09
Period 6
Final Draft Memoir Piece
Life was an abysmal hole of blackness, there was nothing you could say or do anymore, Jeff’s sunshine barely lite up my world anymore and Mackenzie’s icy coldness burned my heated body. Days were getting darker and darker and life was becoming almost unbearable. Life was nothing more but trying to talk to my sunshine and making it through the day.
Mackenzie was and will always be my creator in a sense, the person that started this stupid snowball leading up to this hard defrosting. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t keep pushing on this mass of black snow, I did tell it to keep rolling, it’s just, she was the one that somehow found me bearable in 7th grade and introduced me to this dark icy world. The ice and the dark I soon learned to love. The heat I once pushed to her, defrosting her, well hat was long gone instead replaced with deep rivets of hard ice. But who could blame me? I was a blank slate with no direction and I took the one that was most appealing, the one towards Mackenzie.
Everyday from the day that I met Mackenzie in 7th grade was getting darker and darker, happiness was a thing that came few and far between, the realization came too coon that is was I causing myself this pain and utter misery. This depression was caused by me and the simple fact was I loved it. Loved the feeling of numbness in my chest, the utter exploding of just wanting to get out of my mind for five minutes, in the same moment I repulsed myself, this pain had to end, this self murdering anger and destruction. It had to go. The person I had made myself into had to go. Every moment I did reach the wonderful release of happiness, my body screamed for the pain back, I wasn’t complete without the dark shades over my eyes. I wasn’t the new Saskia. Without those coverings I was naïve and helpless, irritating and bothersome, Not with the shades. Though my cries were heard, I was rejected. I couldn’t be helped. So in a way, I was helpless Saskia once more.
No matter though, my black shades were better, and always would, at least I thought in my beaten red mind. My escape was the tapping of my keys in Language Arts or whenever I had access o a laptop at school, absorbing myself throng into whatever flowed out of my black finger nailed digits really what did it matter to me that my words did not flow happiness or optimism but in turn deeply sorrowing and confused analogies and rhythms that no one but myself truly knew the meaning of, it was in those words I found my escape, I blocked out the world and focused on new ways to describe me and my thoughts. When I wrote I didn’t realize I was hurting myself even more.
Now that my little cycle had started nothing mattered, nothing was needed but me and many sleepless nights with my mind and my journal. I’d text Jeff and Mackenzie though my heart wasn’t into the talking to the latter, anger seared in me for that the tables had turned in our relationship; she was the happy one, content with her life, loving her life, while I was here far away from loving my life, far away from loving anything else but Jeffrey.
My nights and weekends involved nothing more but sitting and trying to contact someone who would understand, still I didn’t want help. I didn’t want anything but words of comfort. All I wanted was Jeff’s voice and texts, sure some days I’d talk to Mackenzie, and enjoy myself,. But something vital had changed in year and I had felt her, something I could always relate to in her, it was gone. Seemed like my one source of life, understanding was gone and she could care less to try to help me out of my little box of horrors Sure Jeff tried to understand. But I felt like I was corrupting the minor. I didn’t want to be Mackenzie in that sense, nonetheless he couldn’t understand this darkness for his happiness was easier, and for me darkness was easier.
I’d write daily in my journals shut out the real world around me, just absorb myself into my scrawling script of cursive and print. I listened to my Ipod as much as possible listening to every word and every time creating new agony. Many days I wondered why I even tried anymore, tried to get good grades, tried to be nice, tried to even be normal. I wasn’t it was simple, I wasn’t happy, why did I even try to say “I’m okay” anymore, because I was far from okay. I was constantly in a battle with myself trying to break the promises I made and deciding whether or not to give in to my won will, give in to slicing misled down to shreds, just to get out, to give myself something I could control. Often I’d give in, the guilt adding to my numb chest wasn’t comforting, because I had broken the promises to the people I loved the most and to read the pain on their faces when I confessed my crimes was by far the worst. By far.
By December 22 my life somewhat brighter, whether it was from my own doing or just that it had been raining a lot recently I still don’t know. But that day has, I guess turned my life around. It wasn’t just me going over to Jeff’s house or finally spilling out I WASN”T fragile. That did it, but in-fact the message Mackenzie sent me bursting with accusations because I had asked for it. I had asked for everything that she was upset about with me. I had spilled out the anger of being treated as a china doll, I was asking for the new pain I new she would give me, and truly I wanted to know. What I have done wrong… Every word seared with anger and muted pain. She told me just how much she didn’t believe me that I wasn’t fragile, that she couldn’t help me anymore. She just couldn’t because everything and anything she has told me to make me happy since 7th grade to make me happy, to “chin up” wasn’t working and since 7th grade there had been no improvement. No change except for my little downward slide into darker and darker places. No, it was teem for me to get happy or get help, because she couldn’t help me anymore, I had unrealistic expectations for my boyfriend, I wallow in my depressionstic thoughts and feelings and for once she didn’t understand why I wasn’t happy. There was something inside of me that kept me sad.
Tears spilled down my face and my chest burned with what I had read, these words cut deeper than anything self-inflicted. These words were truer than any mentioned to me She knew me better than I thought…
She had it right, I COULDN”T be happy, my body refused to, or maybe more in fact my head refused to let me. I refused to let myself, I looked for things to hurt and destroy myself with. What I though I kept so carefully hidden she knew. Maybe she knew because she used to be the same way. Just because the word were true didn’t mean they didn’t hurt… reading the message reduced me to tears something I hadn’t been to in a while.
The harshly put words woke me up to what I was doing to my family, my friends, and the people that I would in turn die for. The hurt of realizing, almost knocked me over, I was going to get better this time I swore to Mackenzie, I swore to myself. Not just for me was I going to get better, I was going to get happy for everyone else in my life. I wasn’t going to wallow in this whole of a life I had made for myself, though my days of seclusion in Europe challenged, I pushed, and hard to over come all my negative feelings. I challenged myself and in a way hurt myself even more. I had to destroy and reconstruct myself in a few days or at least get eth foundations made because the secluded place I was in was not the “real world”. I was in a safe place and wasn’t able to fully understand in that sanctuary my own powers. In the cold winter of the Netherlands I was safe, back in dry Arizona…. I wasn’t so sure. I was reduced to going through my feelings, down to the base reason I was upset realizing I shouldn’t feel that way, and in a way reconstructing my city. Happiness was flooding through my once dark mind and for once I felt complete.
Still I’m not completely happy with life or who I am, but who is? Who loves everything in their life? Still everything is much, much happy. I realize just how much I love everything around me, form m tea in the morning to the long walks in the freezing cold with Will, to even my scars left behind from the nights I felt the most alone. I love so much it’s funny how my creator can be my destroyer in both a good and a bad sense; still I will always love Mackenzie Crawford.
You know, forever and for always.
I have once heard, that the point of life is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways totally worn out, screaming “what a ride”
…. and what a ride it has been"
I still will always love you mackenzie Crawford. don't forget that
Sunday, February 21, 2010
I need to find my tweezers
my eyebrows need somee doing.. dooo dahh dooo. but why try if i've got road rash ALL over.
alrighhhtyy churhc churchy time, and i'm NOT going
alrighhhtyy churhc churchy time, and i'm NOT going
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Normalcy
is taking hold. I'm forming a defintion, and a shape to it, i'm also finding.. i am quite happier at my dad's some weekends. mainly the weekends i'm not allowed to do things. i think i'm off to explore the neighborhood tonight. it's rainy which means there will be perfect pictures. and tonight with or without you, i won't sleep. and oh well. whatever. i guess in all honesty it serves me right to be alone tonight.. i mean, of all people i pushed this little story into it's all honesty of a tragity. and by gone it. BY GONE IT. it was my... my horrible appendages that pushed that stupid domino into motion. My teeeeth hurt. just though i'd through that out there. and the song "i'm yours" just came on. that was jeff and i's song. bahhhhhhhhh wahhhhh. uhhh. i don't think i've had a song with any otherrr guyy. hhmm. anyway
I'm bored.
and you made me mad
but it's okay
because i've
got many many many
other things
to
do
tonight.
A blackout in the room again
a busted lip and broken skin.
I wake up in the bathroom and dare not bother asking
why the mirror's craked and all I see
are shards of glass inside of me.
There's voices there to dare me,
my father's here to scare me.
and My mother she sits beyond the door she's
curled up crying on the floor,
look at what her son's done.
When the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
wrong again.
Gone fucking wrong again.
Well liars they leave a guilty trail.
let me tell you I've been lying for years.
That must be why I'm standing in this space.
constantly over and over Im Disregarding that I've created these monsters
that are on both of my sides,
So I wipe the blood from both of their eyes.
From all four of their eyes.
And while I wait for wounds to heal
I see you by the window sil,
your heart's torn out
a plastic spoon
when honesty lit up that room so I stole the pillowcase to clean
this mess I've made of someones dream.
Now you've seen what I've done,
when the weight of all the world's gone wrong again
gone fucking wrong again.
This room is old and wise
and I fall onto the bed and wonder,
"How did I get here?"
I was a little boy who would argue with a tree
go ahead thump his head
he'll turn back to normal.
Now why is that what I see?
Don't bother trusting me
don't bother waiting
don't bother changing things that won't give into changing
just let me go away.
I'm packed down whenever.
Let's go.
Let's really really go.
I'm bored.
and you made me mad
but it's okay
because i've
got many many many
other things
to
do
tonight.
A blackout in the room again
a busted lip and broken skin.
I wake up in the bathroom and dare not bother asking
why the mirror's craked and all I see
are shards of glass inside of me.
There's voices there to dare me,
my father's here to scare me.
and My mother she sits beyond the door she's
curled up crying on the floor,
look at what her son's done.
When the weight of all the world's gone wrong.
wrong again.
Gone fucking wrong again.
Well liars they leave a guilty trail.
let me tell you I've been lying for years.
That must be why I'm standing in this space.
constantly over and over Im Disregarding that I've created these monsters
that are on both of my sides,
So I wipe the blood from both of their eyes.
From all four of their eyes.
And while I wait for wounds to heal
I see you by the window sil,
your heart's torn out
a plastic spoon
when honesty lit up that room so I stole the pillowcase to clean
this mess I've made of someones dream.
Now you've seen what I've done,
when the weight of all the world's gone wrong again
gone fucking wrong again.
This room is old and wise
and I fall onto the bed and wonder,
"How did I get here?"
I was a little boy who would argue with a tree
go ahead thump his head
he'll turn back to normal.
Now why is that what I see?
Don't bother trusting me
don't bother waiting
don't bother changing things that won't give into changing
just let me go away.
I'm packed down whenever.
Let's go.
Let's really really go.
Dreams i've been having lately
aren't the most normal dreams
I touched every single tooth in my mouth.. and they just came out. easily.
"Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth represent power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the value of your own opinion."
the dream i had tuesday night:
"To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of.� If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that� you to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person. "
"To dream that you commit suicide, suggests that conditions in your life are so frustrating that you no longer want to deal with the situation or relationship You may be harboring feelings of guilt that you cannot get over and thus turning the aggression on yourself. You need to start approaching problems from a different angle. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself and hello to a whole new you. It is symbolic of a personal transformation or a new stage in your life" (only because i couldn't describe what happened in the right way..)
"To see a wolf in your dream, symbolizes survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness.�It may reflect an uncontrollable force or situation in your life.�
To see a white wolf in your dream, then it signifies valor and victory. You have the ability to see the light even in your darkest hours.�
To dream that you kill a wolf, indicates betrayal and secrets being revealed"
"To see sheep in your dream, indicates docility, conformity and that you lack initiative to venture out on your own. You lack individuality and tend to go along with the group. You are showing a lack of creativity in some aspect of your life. The dream may also be a metaphor on being sheepish. Perhaps you have done something wrong"
"To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life. "
"To dream that you kill someone, indicates that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill or put an end to an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself how you do not want to be like him or her.�
To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. Alternatively, the dream refers to drastic changes that are happening in your life. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits. "
"To see the police in your dream, indicates a failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments. The police also symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. Perhaps you need to put an end to your reckless behavior or else the law will catch up to you. You fear punishment.
To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police,�suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life."
I still don't feel like i know enough about this dream.
I touched every single tooth in my mouth.. and they just came out. easily.
"Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth represent power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the value of your own opinion."
the dream i had tuesday night:
"To dream that you are shot, represents a form of self-punishment that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done something that you are ashamed of or are not proud of.� If you are shot and come back as a different person, then it indicates that� you to start fresh. You want to wipe the past away and literally become a new person. "
"To dream that you commit suicide, suggests that conditions in your life are so frustrating that you no longer want to deal with the situation or relationship You may be harboring feelings of guilt that you cannot get over and thus turning the aggression on yourself. You need to start approaching problems from a different angle. Alternatively, it may suggest that you are saying good-bye to one aspect of yourself and hello to a whole new you. It is symbolic of a personal transformation or a new stage in your life" (only because i couldn't describe what happened in the right way..)
"To see a wolf in your dream, symbolizes survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness.�It may reflect an uncontrollable force or situation in your life.�
To see a white wolf in your dream, then it signifies valor and victory. You have the ability to see the light even in your darkest hours.�
To dream that you kill a wolf, indicates betrayal and secrets being revealed"
"To see sheep in your dream, indicates docility, conformity and that you lack initiative to venture out on your own. You lack individuality and tend to go along with the group. You are showing a lack of creativity in some aspect of your life. The dream may also be a metaphor on being sheepish. Perhaps you have done something wrong"
"To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life. "
"To dream that you kill someone, indicates that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. Your dream may be expressing some hidden anger. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill or put an end to an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself how you do not want to be like him or her.�
To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. Alternatively, the dream refers to drastic changes that are happening in your life. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits. "
"To see the police in your dream, indicates a failure to perform or to honor obligations and commitments. The police also symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. Perhaps you need to put an end to your reckless behavior or else the law will catch up to you. You fear punishment.
To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police,�suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life."
I still don't feel like i know enough about this dream.
1:52 pm
I have no plans today. Nothign to distract, and no music to reach into with my mind. Nothign to distract me from this beating, and nothing to distract me from being unhappy with the way i look, how i wish i could have one kiss. and i wish i would have told you when i liked you, that i did. I wish my lip didn't hurt, i didn't have rug burn up and down my face, i wasn't tired. and i could sleep.
I'm in such a stupid place, and i guess i really don't hvae a reason to be unhappy, other than my home life, which is less then sub par by this point. i have so many wishes, and dreams, that i can't wait 4 more years to happen.. so i can be at college. and it might be okay. but i know the magical 18th year is not going to fix everything.
But i do know, i'm going to start doing my chores, push harder in school, actually apply myself, go in for lunch, call at night. because i know you're awake. summarize my day on here, and actually think. i'm going to kiss him and tell him how much i love him. because i do. i'll text you, and try. i'm going to save the money. and clean my room.. and earn that phone back, and sell it, then buy the one i really want. i'm going to pay my insurance, and not let my mom's words bother me. I'm going to help my stepmom when my dad's drunk. and i'm going to tell him, tell him that's it's not okay. I'm going to practice atleast 30minutes a day. I'll plan out my days.. and if i don't get on facebook.. or myspace, or can't do what i want to do because of the things i need to do. that's okay. because, if i'm ever going to do the stuff i want to do, i have to do the stuff i don't want to do first. i'll actually keep my agenda. and i'll earn my mom's trust. I can do this. i really can. because.. mayeb if i do that.. i can fix hime a little.
and just to let you all know, i want your honest thoughts about if i get this done to my hair:
message me.. text me, call me, just tell me okay? please and thanks.. and i think i'm growing my hair out, i can always cut it back off, i'm dynamic. this is what i want it to look like when it's long:
Friday, February 19, 2010
I hate
The utter stupidty of my life. The boring days i walk to school, and anger myself about how i coan't have a fucking conversation easily with anyone. I let the silences seep between me and everyone. EVERYONE and i mean it. I'm much more happy with my mouth closed, my fingers working. Or even beter, my lips on yours and my hands workign on your clothes, and let me just trhough out there that i fit the description slut with ease, and i'm not goign to even try to hid it from you. because i might as well get the angry, or questioning texts, and stand up for myself now, when i actually have emotion to text back. opposed to the days where i exit out of the text and lay back down in bed, or return to arcs and angels, and circles in pointless long geometry. back to research projects passouts, and sleep. have i ever mentioned HOW BAD i want to just sleep? Sleep for days and days and days. because i don't see a poitn to walk around anymore. i go to school, sit down. and just zone. zone zone zone zone zone zone zone zone zone zone
You guys see things in such brillance, even if it's ruined brillance. and i've got grey to a extreme. i don' remember what it's like to feel the heat of a day, or feel everythign swell, and take me anymore. and i just think that's who i am now. empty emotionless person that already knows what my life's supposed to be infront of me. planned and organized.
I see it. I know it. I know who i'm marrying, and i swear to god it's going to happen. Because with him is the only time i feel normal. and when our bare skin is touching, i feel safe. don't get me wrong, i AM still a virgin. don't miss read my words.
I feel te damage i've imposed on everyone this year is just too much to undo, or repair. i wouldn't know where to start, all i know is my razor, an dhow good it feels on my skin, and how i can't do thaat. and how home is a place i regret going. and i don't understand how to make it better, i don't think it's possible, and being trapped. trapped trapped. I'M SO FUCKING TRAPPED. I'm trapped every night my phone is taken away, every day i come home and she's alreadyhome, every tex, every car ride, and every day i can't sleep.
You don't understand how i can't fix the world i'm stuck in. i can't un-do anything, remake my life. i love certain things too much. but i sit with my back o walls,a dn fingers scratchign my skin. and lips swollen. and i'm stuck.
I get away sometimes you know...? when i can feel a song agian.. for those minutes. I'm free. When i'm in his arms i'm free. When i passed out. i was freee it was so painful but beautiful. When i cut. When i get kissed on the forhead. There are times when nothing can reach me. But by night, the dissolve into fractions, and particles scatter, and it's all back to what i'm not, and what i used to be, and what i am. and then i shut it out. like normal. oh normalcy now is so beautiful. oh jeffrey. jeffrey you'd like me now.
i don't even know what i am now. it's ugly though, it's twisted, it's boring, it's dull, and yellow, and grey. and i never. am satsified. but there's bailey.. and Michael. and that solid fact that in the morning my mask is back on in solid form. and i'm nothing but solid, giggling akward, angry, dumb dumb dumb girl Saskia.
I see all the lines, and the cuts, and teh words, and the keyboards, and the tears, and teh red ink, blue ink, black ink, penciled words... i see it all. and i know.. i just can't help but feel i know where the line is drawn. and it's never going to get easier looking at i. and not seeing the 3 set of feet i want beside me.
That's all for now. My mind's empty.. i guess i'll write more later, it's going to be a relaxed chickyyy night. cosmo ice cream, music and etc. yeah. much love.
You guys see things in such brillance, even if it's ruined brillance. and i've got grey to a extreme. i don' remember what it's like to feel the heat of a day, or feel everythign swell, and take me anymore. and i just think that's who i am now. empty emotionless person that already knows what my life's supposed to be infront of me. planned and organized.
I see it. I know it. I know who i'm marrying, and i swear to god it's going to happen. Because with him is the only time i feel normal. and when our bare skin is touching, i feel safe. don't get me wrong, i AM still a virgin. don't miss read my words.
I feel te damage i've imposed on everyone this year is just too much to undo, or repair. i wouldn't know where to start, all i know is my razor, an dhow good it feels on my skin, and how i can't do thaat. and how home is a place i regret going. and i don't understand how to make it better, i don't think it's possible, and being trapped. trapped trapped. I'M SO FUCKING TRAPPED. I'm trapped every night my phone is taken away, every day i come home and she's alreadyhome, every tex, every car ride, and every day i can't sleep.
You don't understand how i can't fix the world i'm stuck in. i can't un-do anything, remake my life. i love certain things too much. but i sit with my back o walls,a dn fingers scratchign my skin. and lips swollen. and i'm stuck.
I get away sometimes you know...? when i can feel a song agian.. for those minutes. I'm free. When i'm in his arms i'm free. When i passed out. i was freee it was so painful but beautiful. When i cut. When i get kissed on the forhead. There are times when nothing can reach me. But by night, the dissolve into fractions, and particles scatter, and it's all back to what i'm not, and what i used to be, and what i am. and then i shut it out. like normal. oh normalcy now is so beautiful. oh jeffrey. jeffrey you'd like me now.
i don't even know what i am now. it's ugly though, it's twisted, it's boring, it's dull, and yellow, and grey. and i never. am satsified. but there's bailey.. and Michael. and that solid fact that in the morning my mask is back on in solid form. and i'm nothing but solid, giggling akward, angry, dumb dumb dumb girl Saskia.
I see all the lines, and the cuts, and teh words, and the keyboards, and the tears, and teh red ink, blue ink, black ink, penciled words... i see it all. and i know.. i just can't help but feel i know where the line is drawn. and it's never going to get easier looking at i. and not seeing the 3 set of feet i want beside me.
That's all for now. My mind's empty.. i guess i'll write more later, it's going to be a relaxed chickyyy night. cosmo ice cream, music and etc. yeah. much love.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I want
everyone to recognize, I've allllllways thought in colors like this. kaithxbai
Um, yeah. English. Not so much fun. School, yeah. Not so much fun. I'm preeetty excited for coronation. Pretty excited to sleep. Alex is breaking up with jenny sooon. Whatevereverever
I'm cold, tired, yellow, my face hurts, my head hurts, i'm tired. i. just. want. to. sleep. Uh. Nap. I think i have a geometry test tomorrow. and a buuuuusy weekend. I'm really just angry about this whole week, i have no good plans, and i can't say anytign of the sort becaus ei'm not really tryign to make plans. I think bailey and i are doing something tomoorrow. yeah. um i've wasted this whole day. in englsih. arg. band concert today. too many periods in this sentance. so short and choppy. that's all i really feel liek doing. so whatever
Um, yeah. English. Not so much fun. School, yeah. Not so much fun. I'm preeetty excited for coronation. Pretty excited to sleep. Alex is breaking up with jenny sooon. Whatevereverever
I'm cold, tired, yellow, my face hurts, my head hurts, i'm tired. i. just. want. to. sleep. Uh. Nap. I think i have a geometry test tomorrow. and a buuuuusy weekend. I'm really just angry about this whole week, i have no good plans, and i can't say anytign of the sort becaus ei'm not really tryign to make plans. I think bailey and i are doing something tomoorrow. yeah. um i've wasted this whole day. in englsih. arg. band concert today. too many periods in this sentance. so short and choppy. that's all i really feel liek doing. so whatever
Impulse
Act on your impulse, swallow the bottle, cut a little deeper, put the gun to your chest.
My happiest memories have no place in the past; they are those I have yet to create.
"Forever has no meaning when you're living in the moment. I wasn't ready for that moment to end."
"Love means holding on to someone just as hard as you can because if you don't, one blink and they might disappear...forever."
"Too much to take in, too much to purge. Why must every memory, once sweet, dead end in such ugliness?"
My happiest memories have no place in the past; they are those I have yet to create.
"Forever has no meaning when you're living in the moment. I wasn't ready for that moment to end."
"Love means holding on to someone just as hard as you can because if you don't, one blink and they might disappear...forever."
"Too much to take in, too much to purge. Why must every memory, once sweet, dead end in such ugliness?"
I hate sittting and
not doing anything, not be choice though. because i just can't rebel against this mental wall in my head. Eh. whatever
Monday, February 8, 2010
English at 7:49
is a drag.
But Michelle is interesting.. apparently.
I'm tired and cold, and i should have not worn my skirt, and my sleeveless shirts. I should be doing research for my English project and, not be wasting my time, i know though, as like all things i do, this will be half-assed, half attempted, and half of what i could do, even if i DO manage a A, or a B. I know I'm doing none of my possible best, but i never have. so it doesn't matter.
I want my phone back at night, and i want school to be a easy forward movement. but it never is and never will anymore. HIGH SCHOOL IS SO DAMN TIRING
But Michelle is interesting.. apparently.
I'm tired and cold, and i should have not worn my skirt, and my sleeveless shirts. I should be doing research for my English project and, not be wasting my time, i know though, as like all things i do, this will be half-assed, half attempted, and half of what i could do, even if i DO manage a A, or a B. I know I'm doing none of my possible best, but i never have. so it doesn't matter.
I want my phone back at night, and i want school to be a easy forward movement. but it never is and never will anymore. HIGH SCHOOL IS SO DAMN TIRING
Thursday, February 4, 2010
There are days
that i don't want to talk, don't want to keep up the appearance of everything you want me to be. and that's when i don't reply to your texts. don't respond in a conversation inducing tone. I'm wrapped up in some things too, and trying to unfold myself too. Not in everyone's "I'm independent, I'm fine alone, fuck you. " way I've been hearing more and more on here. No, it's more of the, "I'm just going to figure this out, i really don't need your help. you kind of really just harm." I just don't see the point of your shit. Your words yelling at me, because I'm trying, i have a lot... ALOT on my mind. and out of everyone you guys should understand that. That, i need my space to figure myself out, yes, yes, i want to be with you. Yes, i want to help you, yes, I'm back and in black, and whatever else. But i need sometime, to unwind, and i'll be there, i swear at 11 pm. and then at 1am. but, you have to understand, till then i need a face to get through the day, and to keep myself from biting my lip till it bleeds. because this bullshit is getting way too far out of hand. By alll means, don't think this is directed at just you, it's directed at Laura, at Michael, at everyone.
See, i'm calm, cool, fine alllll day through school. But then, at night, i'm restless.My fingers and body quivers, and once 10 rolls around i don't know where the ground is. My knees ache, and i can't stay still. It's a big thing that when i do fall asleep i stay asleep. Because, night is a whole new ball game, it's a 180 turn from the day, and it's where i listen to the music i legitly love. the thoguhts that are in their closets come out. and i'm not frozen, bubbly, and plastic anymore. it's not such a force to be normal. because at night i can give in to the heaving in my chest. Either way. it's a place, where the day me can roll away, and i can be honets with myself to a full extent.
I really don't want you to rememeber me as the girl you see at school, or just how i look when you see me day to day. if you remember me, remember me as beautiful cuts, blue eyes, my words, journals, and my worst days.
See, i'm calm, cool, fine alllll day through school. But then, at night, i'm restless.My fingers and body quivers, and once 10 rolls around i don't know where the ground is. My knees ache, and i can't stay still. It's a big thing that when i do fall asleep i stay asleep. Because, night is a whole new ball game, it's a 180 turn from the day, and it's where i listen to the music i legitly love. the thoguhts that are in their closets come out. and i'm not frozen, bubbly, and plastic anymore. it's not such a force to be normal. because at night i can give in to the heaving in my chest. Either way. it's a place, where the day me can roll away, and i can be honets with myself to a full extent.
I really don't want you to rememeber me as the girl you see at school, or just how i look when you see me day to day. if you remember me, remember me as beautiful cuts, blue eyes, my words, journals, and my worst days.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Morning Night or Evening
I know I'm ready.
Did anyone know there is a national association for black accountants? Well there is. Michelle told me this, because apparently she can't do work. (;
Did anyone know there is a national association for black accountants? Well there is. Michelle told me this, because apparently she can't do work. (;
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