I hate

The utter stupidty of my life. The boring days i walk to school, and anger myself about how i coan't have a fucking conversation easily with anyone. I let the silences seep between me and everyone. EVERYONE and i mean it. I'm much more happy with my mouth closed, my fingers working. Or even beter, my lips on yours and my hands workign on your clothes, and let me just trhough out there that i fit the description slut with ease, and i'm not goign to even try to hid it from you. because i might as well get the angry, or questioning texts, and stand up for myself now, when i actually have emotion to text back. opposed to the days where i exit out of the text and lay back down in bed, or return to arcs and angels, and circles in pointless long geometry. back to research projects passouts, and sleep. have i ever mentioned HOW BAD i want to just sleep? Sleep for days and days and days. because i don't see a poitn to walk around anymore. i go to school, sit down. and just zone. zone zone zone zone zone zone zone zone zone zone

You guys see things in such brillance, even if it's ruined brillance. and i've got grey to a extreme. i don' remember what it's like to feel the heat of a day, or feel everythign swell, and take me anymore. and i just think that's who i am now. empty emotionless person that already knows what my life's supposed to be infront of me. planned and organized.

I see it. I know it. I know who i'm marrying, and i swear to god it's going to happen. Because with him is the only time i feel normal. and when our bare skin is touching, i feel safe. don't get me wrong, i AM still a virgin. don't miss read my words.

I feel te damage i've imposed on everyone this year is just too much to undo, or repair. i wouldn't know where to start, all i know is my razor, an dhow good it feels on my skin, and how i can't do thaat. and how home is a place i regret going. and i don't understand how to make it better, i don't think it's possible, and being trapped. trapped trapped. I'M SO FUCKING TRAPPED. I'm trapped every night my phone is taken away, every day i come home and she's alreadyhome, every tex, every car ride, and every day i can't sleep.

You don't understand how i can't fix the world i'm stuck in. i can't un-do anything, remake my life. i love certain things too much. but i sit with my back o walls,a dn fingers scratchign my skin. and lips swollen. and i'm stuck.

I get away sometimes you know...? when i can feel a song agian.. for those minutes. I'm free. When i'm in his arms i'm free. When i passed out. i was freee it was so painful but beautiful. When i cut. When i get kissed on the forhead. There are times when nothing can reach me. But by night, the dissolve into fractions, and particles scatter, and it's all back to what i'm not, and what i used to be, and what i am. and then i shut it out. like normal. oh normalcy now is so beautiful. oh jeffrey. jeffrey you'd like me now.

i don't even know what i am now. it's ugly though, it's twisted, it's boring, it's dull, and yellow, and grey. and i never. am satsified. but there's bailey.. and Michael. and that solid fact that in the morning my mask is back on in solid form. and i'm nothing but solid, giggling akward, angry, dumb dumb dumb girl Saskia.

I see all the lines, and the cuts, and teh words, and the keyboards, and the tears, and teh red ink, blue ink, black ink, penciled words... i see it all. and i know.. i just can't help but feel i know where the line is drawn. and it's never going to get easier looking at i. and not seeing the 3 set of feet i want beside me.


That's all for now. My mind's empty.. i guess i'll write more later, it's going to be a relaxed chickyyy night. cosmo ice cream, music and etc. yeah. much love.