I'm feeling slightly better.
I need a cup of tea and a few sleepign pills. I'll be happy then.
My last blog is here. I am calling Jeffers at 12am here.
Love. him.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Oh shit
When he's status says confused.
I say, shit.
I want to shoot myself when things like this happens.
I'm just to damn parionod. Automitcly i assume it's about me. I assume he likes someone else, he I loves someone else. Would give up me for someone else.
Damn. I'm ready to go jump off a cliff. I need to go outside to the fresh cold air but i have limited time here on the computer.
FUCK THIS!
I need to breathe,a dn understand. if i was home i'd call him. But no europe is killing my life.
Okay, breathe.
In.
Out.
I say, shit.
I want to shoot myself when things like this happens.
I'm just to damn parionod. Automitcly i assume it's about me. I assume he likes someone else, he I loves someone else. Would give up me for someone else.
Damn. I'm ready to go jump off a cliff. I need to go outside to the fresh cold air but i have limited time here on the computer.
FUCK THIS!
I need to breathe,a dn understand. if i was home i'd call him. But no europe is killing my life.
Okay, breathe.
In.
Out.
Libaries here
are called biblogoies,
or something along those lines.
Last night was a hard one, i was fighting my internal voice. It's quite annoying defintly when your internal voice is telling you to do the wrong thing. Sinking was invetible, and i thought things i shouldn;'t have been thinking. Whats the point in thinking of things in the past that were promised.
So, i've been thinking. I put my life out to be so much worse than it is, which i think is true in my head sometimes. It really isn't that bad, though i has its rough spots. Most of my madness comes from me and i have no one but myself to blame. Some things come from parts around me, i just twist and conform it to fit my needs. Sick little girl i am, but with good reason i call myself this. For good reason.
Fireworks are going off like crazy it isn't even time for it, every few minutes you hear a huge "BOOM"and you know a firecracker or firework went off. It's irratting when you are trying to sleep like i was. Somedays i wonder why we had to coem here, then i remeber my whole grandma's turning 80 and i need to get away shit.
I realized yesterday that even at my darkest hour, when i felt like there was no one to trust, not place to go. Never did i acually plan my suicide. I thought about it. But there was always a string, and very strong string tying me to life. It was all the pain i would cause to people if i disapeared. I didn't know at the time i was causing so much stress already on the people around me, through the cuts, the poems and depressing messagesm, blogs, and bulletins. Still, i was willign to go through all the pain i had, and cause as much scars as needed to keep everyone else happy. To keep everyone else from pain.
Not knowing i was causing them pain too.
or something along those lines.
Last night was a hard one, i was fighting my internal voice. It's quite annoying defintly when your internal voice is telling you to do the wrong thing. Sinking was invetible, and i thought things i shouldn;'t have been thinking. Whats the point in thinking of things in the past that were promised.
So, i've been thinking. I put my life out to be so much worse than it is, which i think is true in my head sometimes. It really isn't that bad, though i has its rough spots. Most of my madness comes from me and i have no one but myself to blame. Some things come from parts around me, i just twist and conform it to fit my needs. Sick little girl i am, but with good reason i call myself this. For good reason.
Fireworks are going off like crazy it isn't even time for it, every few minutes you hear a huge "BOOM"and you know a firecracker or firework went off. It's irratting when you are trying to sleep like i was. Somedays i wonder why we had to coem here, then i remeber my whole grandma's turning 80 and i need to get away shit.
I realized yesterday that even at my darkest hour, when i felt like there was no one to trust, not place to go. Never did i acually plan my suicide. I thought about it. But there was always a string, and very strong string tying me to life. It was all the pain i would cause to people if i disapeared. I didn't know at the time i was causing so much stress already on the people around me, through the cuts, the poems and depressing messagesm, blogs, and bulletins. Still, i was willign to go through all the pain i had, and cause as much scars as needed to keep everyone else happy. To keep everyone else from pain.
Not knowing i was causing them pain too.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Hahah
I'm in some store in this dutch mall. I think i mioght get in trouble for being on the copmputer
:)
tatat at attaa
:)
tatat at attaa
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I'm on a blog spree today
Its because no one is on myspace.
Simple really.
I've had aroudn 15cups of tea today and its mearly 5:30. You wonder why im so bloggy today, thats why.
I have this lightness and my chest has no faultering whatso ever. My head is not swamped with darkness and for the first tie in a long time the curtains are opened.
Like to talk on aim anyone? Im: saaaskiea
Myspace too? Url: www.myspace.com/valentinaismybaby
Could I acually be happy? Is it really that easy?
Simple really.
I've had aroudn 15cups of tea today and its mearly 5:30. You wonder why im so bloggy today, thats why.
I have this lightness and my chest has no faultering whatso ever. My head is not swamped with darkness and for the first tie in a long time the curtains are opened.
Like to talk on aim anyone? Im: saaaskiea
Myspace too? Url: www.myspace.com/valentinaismybaby
Could I acually be happy? Is it really that easy?
Tonight
I honestly plan to have a converstaion with Jeffrey.
I might call Sara.
My last call to teh us. was kind of disapointing if you know what i mean. After spending a few hours going over it though i realzied, my thoughts, and my emotions were irrational. Need ing to sleep.. i slept. And for the first time in a long time, i slept quite well. I woke up thought thinking i had a popscile on my pillow.
I saw both cousins today, they are so.. grown up. Beuatifull too. Makes me wonder.
Its been two years since I've been anywhere close to these house, and instead of felling my usual lostness i found i fit right in. I desire to see the stable,a nd get ona horse. Its been much to long. Much Much to long.
The cold weather here is a nice change though i don't enjoy teh heavy jackets much. IMy fingers freeze and the cars window have to be scrapped.
I wear my new jacket, one of the presents i was allowed to unwrap. Pink white and teal, zebra too. 100 euro from oma and a FOB cd to use because its all my music right now because of the ipod death, though i am perfectly fine listening to it. It was about all i listened to in england. Consdiering now that this is teh new cd. They have a new sound, and beter words.
"change will come"- yes change will come.
:)
I might call Sara.
My last call to teh us. was kind of disapointing if you know what i mean. After spending a few hours going over it though i realzied, my thoughts, and my emotions were irrational. Need ing to sleep.. i slept. And for the first time in a long time, i slept quite well. I woke up thought thinking i had a popscile on my pillow.
I saw both cousins today, they are so.. grown up. Beuatifull too. Makes me wonder.
Its been two years since I've been anywhere close to these house, and instead of felling my usual lostness i found i fit right in. I desire to see the stable,a nd get ona horse. Its been much to long. Much Much to long.
The cold weather here is a nice change though i don't enjoy teh heavy jackets much. IMy fingers freeze and the cars window have to be scrapped.
I wear my new jacket, one of the presents i was allowed to unwrap. Pink white and teal, zebra too. 100 euro from oma and a FOB cd to use because its all my music right now because of the ipod death, though i am perfectly fine listening to it. It was about all i listened to in england. Consdiering now that this is teh new cd. They have a new sound, and beter words.
"change will come"- yes change will come.
:)
It really does
Smell good here
Sitting in a boys room I'd assume it would be Jeff's but naturally it's not.. My life is intresting, or amusing i guess you could say.
Sitting in a boys room I'd assume it would be Jeff's but naturally it's not.. My life is intresting, or amusing i guess you could say.
Its past the second day of Christmas
Christmas is offically over.
Everwhere.
Its cold in europe, not snowing but cold. My fingers are hitting all the wrongs keys, another exuse fro spelling mistakes write there. Hahaha.
This is a whole nother europe trip with a whole different mission. Not to find myself, but to find happiness in general. No, i did not find hapiness Christmas Eve when i was told i was ruining it. Or when my ipod broke. But some how throught the tears shed that night i have found that i will be able to get beter miles and miles away. Though my friends lives keep on going and i sit, awake because of the hours of difference. I know that i will get through it, rationalization is the bets fro me at this point. My worries are profound though.
Will i still be the same when this hapiness is found, and if i am, will my life still want me back. Will i be able to symathize with the rest of teh wrold, with the darkness and the shadows? Will i even be the same person? Will my friends leave me standing swaying in the breaze to the life i have left behind, all the journals, and poems, razors, and cuts? The ones written and done? The razors whole and sharp? The scars and the ones i never were ableto make?
My questioning is yet of an un-organized nature and i shall apolgize. My wrting here is much like the late Edgar Allen Poe. With double meanings and ides twisted beneath. I shall not understand till i get there, if this is by choice or an inhertiance from the addicted, self medicating, or of my own nature. Most likely both.
My life has been too full of song verses and book lines, poem stanzas and meanings to realize that what i am and what i should be are two greatly different pretexts. The happy girl is coming and seeping away the sullen one. Filling in the cracks and converting. The tables have turned in more than one way. Wasn't it only a few mear months? oh a year, ago that that dark girl was swooping in, and the happy one changing? The happy one was still savingn the sullen one, just the peoplehave changed. The happy one is now infact teh depressed one and the depressed on the happy one.
There is one small difference though, the first happy one NEVER gave up on the first sad one. But that is where things change. I fail to give her good reason to help me because i refused ehr help. She always comes back though, this happy one. She always coems back to help. The knight in shining armer(spellin.. i know) to help, to fix. She infact blocked out the sun shining, and she is back,to remove the curtains i have firmly attached to my room. She again will fix my broken soul. My corrupted head.
"jesus help Saskia, she is good deep down just corupted on the inside.""
Now that was a good night.
Everwhere.
Its cold in europe, not snowing but cold. My fingers are hitting all the wrongs keys, another exuse fro spelling mistakes write there. Hahaha.
This is a whole nother europe trip with a whole different mission. Not to find myself, but to find happiness in general. No, i did not find hapiness Christmas Eve when i was told i was ruining it. Or when my ipod broke. But some how throught the tears shed that night i have found that i will be able to get beter miles and miles away. Though my friends lives keep on going and i sit, awake because of the hours of difference. I know that i will get through it, rationalization is the bets fro me at this point. My worries are profound though.
Will i still be the same when this hapiness is found, and if i am, will my life still want me back. Will i be able to symathize with the rest of teh wrold, with the darkness and the shadows? Will i even be the same person? Will my friends leave me standing swaying in the breaze to the life i have left behind, all the journals, and poems, razors, and cuts? The ones written and done? The razors whole and sharp? The scars and the ones i never were ableto make?
My questioning is yet of an un-organized nature and i shall apolgize. My wrting here is much like the late Edgar Allen Poe. With double meanings and ides twisted beneath. I shall not understand till i get there, if this is by choice or an inhertiance from the addicted, self medicating, or of my own nature. Most likely both.
My life has been too full of song verses and book lines, poem stanzas and meanings to realize that what i am and what i should be are two greatly different pretexts. The happy girl is coming and seeping away the sullen one. Filling in the cracks and converting. The tables have turned in more than one way. Wasn't it only a few mear months? oh a year, ago that that dark girl was swooping in, and the happy one changing? The happy one was still savingn the sullen one, just the peoplehave changed. The happy one is now infact teh depressed one and the depressed on the happy one.
There is one small difference though, the first happy one NEVER gave up on the first sad one. But that is where things change. I fail to give her good reason to help me because i refused ehr help. She always comes back though, this happy one. She always coems back to help. The knight in shining armer(spellin.. i know) to help, to fix. She infact blocked out the sun shining, and she is back,to remove the curtains i have firmly attached to my room. She again will fix my broken soul. My corrupted head.
"jesus help Saskia, she is good deep down just corupted on the inside.""
Now that was a good night.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
I've painted
My nails black.
Toes and fingers.
Makes me remeber one time i had painte dmy nails and toes black and i said in my head "i'm pianting my nails blakc to match my black inisde"
I should have realized that there was a problem, that there was a problem when I broke my pink razor and cut my skin.
Now i know there is and was a problem, its not going to be like this, I'm goign to keep my head up.
Toes and fingers.
Makes me remeber one time i had painte dmy nails and toes black and i said in my head "i'm pianting my nails blakc to match my black inisde"
I should have realized that there was a problem, that there was a problem when I broke my pink razor and cut my skin.
Now i know there is and was a problem, its not going to be like this, I'm goign to keep my head up.
Monday, December 22, 2008
The Tv is buzzing
Today I finally desided to fix my problem of my mom being able to read my thoughts, and the stupidty of posting blogs that know one cares to read on myspace.
Though, I don't expect anyone, or for anyone to care about my words on here. Secretly though i wish for it. I alwasy wish i woudl make a big impact, be somethign better than who i am. If that makes any sense to you.
Since, this is my first real blog, I've decided i might as well tell you about myself. You'll understand me more when i get farther and farther along in my blogs though.
Beign 13 I've expeirenced about all a 13 year old can. Coming from a acholic father and a european mother i reside in Arizona, The hottest place in the earth, or atleast when its summer. I've made it through elementry school, as a normal girl. No early depressions, no razors and most defintly no popularity.
Middel School started fine, i didn't change much from 6th grade to the begining of 7th grade. There is where I met Mackenzie. Mackenzie changed my life, introduced me to the shadows of the world. I learned to love thoose shadows, and i still do.
She was and I guess still is my best friend. I don't really know who is my best friend anymore. During 7th grade, Jeff and I started dating. I'm utterly happy with our realtionship. He's everything i could ever ask for, he's everything i want. He's probably the only person I trust anymore, well i trust a few other people but not as much as him.
This summer (o8') was pretty much life changing, traveling through europe and Orme Ranch camp. I was forced to find friendship and help inside myself in europe, so inturn i learned to love myself. and Understand myself better.
Orme helped me remove myself from deopression and fidn that hapiness was okay, and hapiness was GOOD. I wish I could go back so I could be happy. It was a blisterign hot summer and without air-conditioning i thought i was going to die, but it was the best expeirpernce of my life today. I have many new and very good friends from Orme, and i hope they never fade into eth haze around me.
This year has been okay most definlty not my best year in school or alive. 8th grade apposes new challenges and problems. New things to depress about, but also new peoople to become friends with new things to be happy about, and I have learned already that i NEED to be happy. I need to find small things and focuse on them, the happy things. Still i find myself depressed alot, and I'm pretty sure that will pass. I just have to give it time.
I collect words that are I guess unusaul and I use them in execcess. Like "Though, thus, anywho, utterly" I listen to music alot, and would NOT be a happy person if i wasn't able to. I relate to music, alot. I can stare into space and listen to music for hours. I fall alsleep listening to music, and wake up listening ot music, generally I am in a better mood when I sleep the whole night to music. I listen to many bands and many different genres. From classical to country, rap to punk, screemo to "boy bands". I belive it doesn't matter weither the music is mainstream or not, what the band says and the meaning you put to the words is the imporant part, how the music makes you feel. I read alot, and can easily read away the night plugged into my ipod and absorbed in a good book. If you give me a choice between staying up the whole night texting in my room or a good long 12 hour sleep, I'd easily pick staying up all night. The nights i stay up late, I write poetry into beat up journals and text my friends off of my dads laptop or phone. I also put things on my walls in my bed room, and think about sneeking out to go to the park, because if I don't get out of my room soon enough I'll shoot someone. I write on myself alot, and get pretty decent grades.
I guess you could say I'm easily depressed, but that is of my own doing. Its time to get happy, and if i want to do taht with out therpists as Mackenzie so strongly pointed out, I need to find something to cheer up about.
Well this blog took me way too long, and most likely the next one will too.
Buh bye,
<3
Though, I don't expect anyone, or for anyone to care about my words on here. Secretly though i wish for it. I alwasy wish i woudl make a big impact, be somethign better than who i am. If that makes any sense to you.
Since, this is my first real blog, I've decided i might as well tell you about myself. You'll understand me more when i get farther and farther along in my blogs though.
Beign 13 I've expeirenced about all a 13 year old can. Coming from a acholic father and a european mother i reside in Arizona, The hottest place in the earth, or atleast when its summer. I've made it through elementry school, as a normal girl. No early depressions, no razors and most defintly no popularity.
Middel School started fine, i didn't change much from 6th grade to the begining of 7th grade. There is where I met Mackenzie. Mackenzie changed my life, introduced me to the shadows of the world. I learned to love thoose shadows, and i still do.
She was and I guess still is my best friend. I don't really know who is my best friend anymore. During 7th grade, Jeff and I started dating. I'm utterly happy with our realtionship. He's everything i could ever ask for, he's everything i want. He's probably the only person I trust anymore, well i trust a few other people but not as much as him.
This summer (o8') was pretty much life changing, traveling through europe and Orme Ranch camp. I was forced to find friendship and help inside myself in europe, so inturn i learned to love myself. and Understand myself better.
Orme helped me remove myself from deopression and fidn that hapiness was okay, and hapiness was GOOD. I wish I could go back so I could be happy. It was a blisterign hot summer and without air-conditioning i thought i was going to die, but it was the best expeirpernce of my life today. I have many new and very good friends from Orme, and i hope they never fade into eth haze around me.
This year has been okay most definlty not my best year in school or alive. 8th grade apposes new challenges and problems. New things to depress about, but also new peoople to become friends with new things to be happy about, and I have learned already that i NEED to be happy. I need to find small things and focuse on them, the happy things. Still i find myself depressed alot, and I'm pretty sure that will pass. I just have to give it time.
I collect words that are I guess unusaul and I use them in execcess. Like "Though, thus, anywho, utterly" I listen to music alot, and would NOT be a happy person if i wasn't able to. I relate to music, alot. I can stare into space and listen to music for hours. I fall alsleep listening to music, and wake up listening ot music, generally I am in a better mood when I sleep the whole night to music. I listen to many bands and many different genres. From classical to country, rap to punk, screemo to "boy bands". I belive it doesn't matter weither the music is mainstream or not, what the band says and the meaning you put to the words is the imporant part, how the music makes you feel. I read alot, and can easily read away the night plugged into my ipod and absorbed in a good book. If you give me a choice between staying up the whole night texting in my room or a good long 12 hour sleep, I'd easily pick staying up all night. The nights i stay up late, I write poetry into beat up journals and text my friends off of my dads laptop or phone. I also put things on my walls in my bed room, and think about sneeking out to go to the park, because if I don't get out of my room soon enough I'll shoot someone. I write on myself alot, and get pretty decent grades.
I guess you could say I'm easily depressed, but that is of my own doing. Its time to get happy, and if i want to do taht with out therpists as Mackenzie so strongly pointed out, I need to find something to cheer up about.
Well this blog took me way too long, and most likely the next one will too.
Buh bye,
<3
Today
Is cloudly.
Today, Is raining.
Also, today is my first day as a blogger on Blogger and I'm not quite sure what to do now. Be paitent, inspiration will come.
Today, Is raining.
Also, today is my first day as a blogger on Blogger and I'm not quite sure what to do now. Be paitent, inspiration will come.
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