The Tv is buzzing

Today I finally desided to fix my problem of my mom being able to read my thoughts, and the stupidty of posting blogs that know one cares to read on myspace.
Though, I don't expect anyone, or for anyone to care about my words on here. Secretly though i wish for it. I alwasy wish i woudl make a big impact, be somethign better than who i am. If that makes any sense to you.

Since, this is my first real blog, I've decided i might as well tell you about myself. You'll understand me more when i get farther and farther along in my blogs though.


Beign 13 I've expeirenced about all a 13 year old can. Coming from a acholic father and a european mother i reside in Arizona, The hottest place in the earth, or atleast when its summer. I've made it through elementry school, as a normal girl. No early depressions, no razors and most defintly no popularity.
Middel School started fine, i didn't change much from 6th grade to the begining of 7th grade. There is where I met Mackenzie. Mackenzie changed my life, introduced me to the shadows of the world. I learned to love thoose shadows, and i still do.

She was and I guess still is my best friend. I don't really know who is my best friend anymore. During 7th grade, Jeff and I started dating. I'm utterly happy with our realtionship. He's everything i could ever ask for, he's everything i want. He's probably the only person I trust anymore, well i trust a few other people but not as much as him.
This summer (o8') was pretty much life changing, traveling through europe and Orme Ranch camp. I was forced to find friendship and help inside myself in europe, so inturn i learned to love myself. and Understand myself better.

Orme helped me remove myself from deopression and fidn that hapiness was okay, and hapiness was GOOD. I wish I could go back so I could be happy. It was a blisterign hot summer and without air-conditioning i thought i was going to die, but it was the best expeirpernce of my life today. I have many new and very good friends from Orme, and i hope they never fade into eth haze around me.

This year has been okay most definlty not my best year in school or alive. 8th grade apposes new challenges and problems. New things to depress about, but also new peoople to become friends with new things to be happy about, and I have learned already that i NEED to be happy. I need to find small things and focuse on them, the happy things. Still i find myself depressed alot, and I'm pretty sure that will pass. I just have to give it time.


I collect words that are I guess unusaul and I use them in execcess. Like "Though, thus, anywho, utterly" I listen to music alot, and would NOT be a happy person if i wasn't able to. I relate to music, alot. I can stare into space and listen to music for hours. I fall alsleep listening to music, and wake up listening ot music, generally I am in a better mood when I sleep the whole night to music. I listen to many bands and many different genres. From classical to country, rap to punk, screemo to "boy bands". I belive it doesn't matter weither the music is mainstream or not, what the band says and the meaning you put to the words is the imporant part, how the music makes you feel. I read alot, and can easily read away the night plugged into my ipod and absorbed in a good book. If you give me a choice between staying up the whole night texting in my room or a good long 12 hour sleep, I'd easily pick staying up all night. The nights i stay up late, I write poetry into beat up journals and text my friends off of my dads laptop or phone. I also put things on my walls in my bed room, and think about sneeking out to go to the park, because if I don't get out of my room soon enough I'll shoot someone. I write on myself alot, and get pretty decent grades.
I guess you could say I'm easily depressed, but that is of my own doing. Its time to get happy, and if i want to do taht with out therpists as Mackenzie so strongly pointed out, I need to find something to cheer up about.

Well this blog took me way too long, and most likely the next one will too.
Buh bye,
<3