Its past the second day of Christmas

Christmas is offically over.
Everwhere.


Its cold in europe, not snowing but cold. My fingers are hitting all the wrongs keys, another exuse fro spelling mistakes write there. Hahaha.

This is a whole nother europe trip with a whole different mission. Not to find myself, but to find happiness in general. No, i did not find hapiness Christmas Eve when i was told i was ruining it. Or when my ipod broke. But some how throught the tears shed that night i have found that i will be able to get beter miles and miles away. Though my friends lives keep on going and i sit, awake because of the hours of difference. I know that i will get through it, rationalization is the bets fro me at this point. My worries are profound though.

Will i still be the same when this hapiness is found, and if i am, will my life still want me back. Will i be able to symathize with the rest of teh wrold, with the darkness and the shadows? Will i even be the same person? Will my friends leave me standing swaying in the breaze to the life i have left behind, all the journals, and poems, razors, and cuts? The ones written and done? The razors whole and sharp? The scars and the ones i never were ableto make?








My questioning is yet of an un-organized nature and i shall apolgize. My wrting here is much like the late Edgar Allen Poe. With double meanings and ides twisted beneath. I shall not understand till i get there, if this is by choice or an inhertiance from the addicted, self medicating, or of my own nature. Most likely both.

My life has been too full of song verses and book lines, poem stanzas and meanings to realize that what i am and what i should be are two greatly different pretexts. The happy girl is coming and seeping away the sullen one. Filling in the cracks and converting. The tables have turned in more than one way. Wasn't it only a few mear months? oh a year, ago that that dark girl was swooping in, and the happy one changing? The happy one was still savingn the sullen one, just the peoplehave changed. The happy one is now infact teh depressed one and the depressed on the happy one.

There is one small difference though, the first happy one NEVER gave up on the first sad one. But that is where things change. I fail to give her good reason to help me because i refused ehr help. She always comes back though, this happy one. She always coems back to help. The knight in shining armer(spellin.. i know) to help, to fix. She infact blocked out the sun shining, and she is back,to remove the curtains i have firmly attached to my room. She again will fix my broken soul. My corrupted head.

"jesus help Saskia, she is good deep down just corupted on the inside.""




Now that was a good night.