Here is a double faced blade lining my l

Here is a double faced blade lining my life now, who I am at night,
and who I am during the day.

Night: adult, strong, keeper of the house, tending to my father... "go
to bed, take a shower" "scrap your plate" "don't touch that, leave
that, I told you leave that alone" I become a mom, a holder a home
maker. I ignore everything, I can only do so much work when my dad Is
drunk behind my back. While he is in bed by 9, I'm lucky if it's by
10. I shutter at him. He's nothing to me, even less than before, I
never have rememeber it being this damn bad .. It wasn't with me
that's why. I don't know howmy mom usedto be able to wake up and roll
over and see that. For 14 years? He'll I can barely do it for a
month.I'm not a child at night. I'm a adult, it makes me wonder... How
easily I adapated to this. How easily I relaxed into my face front
look of preotecter. Oh fucking weell.

By day: I'm zombie sleepyhead snoring not me. Somedays night me
carries over. I will be exactly like my mom, I see it now. I Cant
change that. I juggle problems with boys that likeme that I can't
date, and boys that like me I hate. There isno middle ground, I'm not
sympathetic, happy, exciting, that's what's happened to me. I am but a
body of simple ground, and no body really has noticed, but the peoplei
screw over. Oh how I screw them over. I can't ever fix what I've done.
So I don't try anymore .. I don't try to help, try to say what I'm
feeling. Because I don't feel anything.

I have to be something I'm not by night, but I don't know who I am by
day. I suppose I'm a mix of band saskia, 7th grade saskia, 8th grade
saskia, summer saskia, jeffs saskia, mackenzies saskia, jacks saskia,
dennis's saskia, Rambo's saskia, Miranda's saskia, savannah's saskia,
laura's saskia.
But I don't have it down pack now. Because I'm not my saskia.

And that's who I want to be
----11/30/09 6:44

Sent from my iPod

I've come to the only conclucion

that actually makes sense.

I'm nothing any more, i don't think, i don't speak, i don't explain, i sit and don't listen to music, to make any sort of meaning, i use it to stop from thought going in. To keep any going out. I use it as a firm wall to hold up and suspend any and all emotion in and or out of my perfect machign of cool, calm, and collected. No more late nights, sleep by 11, or even 12. Journal's are empty and untouched, blogger is just filled with simple, ugly, stupid words. I don't remeber each day, or what i did an hour ago, time passes with no consiption to me. I sit. I am. I was. i am, not any longer.

I stare at my walls, what is on there? Memories. Moments. Times i had with friends. What's the last memory put up there? Band camp.

Have i been dead that long? HAVE I? no no of course not...your lying to me.why would i do that?because you don't want the truth.. i mean i... i mean..lies aren't true.THEY AREcalm down relax, everything's going to be fine. you'll fix thiswhat is there to fix i don't see a follow through a next point..i don't eitherthen why are you telling me this?lies, i, you,i mean.. i.. you. lie.noo.. noo.. no we don't..
Look at yourself in the mirror.I am.Do you see anything?No.Then why are we still trying?Because...I lie.you said you didn't.i told you I LIE

Peppermint stick.. peppermint dick.. peppermint CLIT




I stare, i don't do, i sit, io don't move, i am, i don't see, you see right through me, i don't get what i want, because i don't lnow what i want anymore, i am nothing of what i used to be. NOTHING. and i doon't know where to pick up. were i even left off, i casn't pin point a spot, a breaking point, a final hit, i don't see you in the morning, i dpn't hear you at night, i don't rememeber what it was like... i'm pretending so well.

I don't eat.
I sleep.
I puke.
I cut.
Ghost.


That's my mind for today, or a while. I guess you'll know when it changes,

Goodnight i suppose blogger<3

Placing all my cards on the table

I'm going to go ahead and question you on your right to point fingerss, and be how you are. Because for the first time since I've ever met you you've pissed my severly off, your just as immature, angry, dramatic, weak, as anyone. An I'm actually mad for once. Yeah, that's right, me mad. ACTUALLY mad.<3


Next point.

Such a calm disaster I'm in. I maybe should actually apply myself next time with michell, tell him about you, and you, and you, and spill about how I'm a emotional vault, you have to crack into it to get to any, know the right combo, words, buttons to press. Tell him how I'm a solid beam of days streching into the next and I don't know why but I can't find any difference in any one, I just try to get through the week...

It's time

To start a new blog, where no one can find it,
where it's empty, and fresh and new.
and there's no wars and anger and yelling


AND I DON"T HAVE TO CENSOR WHAT I SAY

When your drowning

In a sea of nothing,
you'd look for a light house,

when you can't find that light house,
you'd look for land,

When you don't find land.





You sink.

I have never felt so helpless. I see you

I have never felt so helpless. I see you fading before me.. And I for
once in years don't know what to say,
Scratch that,
It finally shows how badly I don't k ow what to say.nothing is right,
it's all my fault, 3verything I've ever done isn't good enough, and
it's my fault(:
The smiley is there, on purpose

I'm sorry

----11/5/09 11:40

I couldn't think of one good thing.. To write down tonight.

----11/5/09 11:59

In all honesty, I'm alone now.
It's my fault too

----11/7/09 8:24

I miss hbing a normal family

----11/8/09 10:46 am

I have no rights to complain about my life, but this is thebonly place
I feel excused from that fact, no. No actually I don't. Because that's
gotten me nothing good, maybe I should go make another blog, in
another site, so I can magically feel liscened to complain again.

I'm angry. I think that's ominpresent(I don't care if I used that in
the wrong way). In other words I'm always mad, irrated and upset by
you and everyone now. But mainly ME. And it goes passed my self
hatred, my self loathing.. It goes to the stupidty of others, how far
I am past what I loved to be.

I hate life, it's true. I hate what parts of it was. I see the flaws
of everything.what iused to turn a blind eye to. Imperfection- and if
you know one thing about me, know that, I hate imperfection from
things I expect to be, perfect.

I hate what I was because I'm not that anymore. And I don't want to
miss it because... I miss it. Whatever. I mask everything with anger
now.

I don't do anything for me, and if I do it's small. I wake up and go
to marching band for worried I'd be yelled at by others. I wake up and
go to school for my mom. I wake up. I
Wake up
What is the point past that? It's just the point I actually have to
swing my legs out of bed enter the world again. Pretend of doesn't
hurt. And try to think about how to help, when the truth is, I never
used to know how to help. But you don't remeberbthat do you... No.
Maybe it's the fact I'm changing my memory to make it easier now. In
9min I should be at jacks..

I just got to jacks, I wish I wasn't in such a bad mood. My moo makes
me want to lay down, my mood makes me want a boyfriend. ALEX. But I'm
his sister. I'm just bored, but I don't know what to make it better,
or more exciting.

/:

----11/8/09 6:18pm

I am strong because I am weak
I am beautiful because I have flaws
I am fearless because I have been afraid
I am wise because I had been foolish

I can laugh because I have know sadness.
I know sadness.

----11/8/09 11:01pm
I hate wearing pads.

Just thought I'd let you know.

---- same

I kinda promised alex I'd go to bed 20 min ago, but I can't skip..
11:11 If I'm not tired. I have wishes, hopes.. You know. Tomorrow I'm
going to write about today in here, starting with waking up. And going
to jacks house, and coming home, and I'm going to be honest, straight,
and cool about it. Going to tell you why I freaked the fuck out,
alright?!

Wtf? My house makes the weirdest noises, oh shiit, that's my mom, why
is she awake. Ughhh one minute.

----11/8/09 11:10pm

I had the worst dream ever last night.. Alex like hated me. And
stuff... And it sucked.

----11/9/09 5:08am

I'm putting blogging on a hold so I can work on the journal for the
time capusual

----11/11/09 2:46pm

Good night
Cross your fingers I wake up for 11/11 11:11

----11/11/09 9:45pm

I'm listening to across the universe, I haven't listened to it in
forever... It makes me want to cry because it keeps saying "nothings
going To change my world". It is summer for me. Jacks house, kashi
bars. That was this song is... I love it. I miss it. I hate it.

I want you to reconize, GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD it's hard for me too.
And I'm sorry, I'm a mess too. I'm not as strong as I seem, not as
happy. I don't let people see though. I don't let mysf see it.

It doesn't matter though, really, I say that with both ironic
sarcasim, and pure seriousness. Jacccckkle and hyyyde. I love you
though, dooont notice.

Today I went through the day. And I don't remeber it. I blanked.
Seriously blanked. I don't remember any of and I didn't feel time, and
that could be both good and bad.
----11/18/09 9:34pm
No ground In sight.

----11/18/09 6297930729pam

Found another band I can't listen to surprisingly... Augustana

----11/18/09

Im so far gone. I have been for so long.

Brian's asking me out Monday... GREAT ughh. Fuck me in the ass. I
don't like him but I don't want to break his heart. Fuckity fuck fuck
fuck. I think I'm goi g to cry. I want to cuut cuut cuuut, but I'd
rather overoveroverdooose. I'm singing this in my head. I think I'm a
little tired. I just don't like him... I'm going to a ravenwith April
soon. Weird, who EVER saw that?! I didn't. Well it's happening. And so
I must do it. And I want to! Yay for being with appppril!!!! And for
ravves of course! We shall partyyy!

I've sport to the cd mackkenzie made me. I can't listen to #4 it makes
me jitter. I'm in a stage where it's good to be empty, not think and
breathe.

----11/21/09 11:25

Whatever. It's time to let the days pass like minutes and forget and
never rememeber

----11/23/09 5:12pm

Sent from my iPod

This is when

You know your alone, and you know how it's going to end.
It's going to be your fault either way. And everything you say are just words on a page.
And come on, this is not a one way street no matter how you turn it.
Oops, that's right. MAYBE it is when it comes to me. Oops. Forgot,

Why do you bother to assume, ask, and push, it's not true; you don't miss me do you? because today for one honest to goodness time in maybe months, I felt something past the normal white machine, and I hate everyone responsible for that. Because I was a tangle of flames. And you can read my lips if they lie, I wasn't... Sane. And I can't go there again. I've worked so hard to this coolness of clear and calm.. Sane is not a normal habit for me. Not anymore. If I ever.. It'll be uglier then ever



Dgaf

I'd give anything

To be gone.

Hello

Im gone.
i'll be done with this journal.

I need

To stop this disgusting habit of turning a blind eye, and start working and thinking about help the people I love

Sometimes

You gotta stop trying, and just settle being the little sister, and forget about what you wanted. There's mrs imporant things to deal with, people included.

I'm tired and sleepy, and focused, and sad. And still sorry, and confused.

Love as always,
Saskia

This means

Alot:

That I can still cry for your pain, to know I'm not dead inside.. That I feel relief after the cuts. That I still feel, though this is small.

Next step, figuring out how to help.



::::::::
I lost me, and you lost you.





I'm sorry

I slid

the razor taped tounge along my arms,
And unwind from the night before,
Center myself in reality,
I'd attempt
Because I don't know where that is,
I sniff my fingers,
The smell of sweet, pure, brokeness

I just keep turning up the car radio to block out everything,
Your the only one that's trying any more,
I should realize by now
That I am doing something wrong..

As I've proven time and time again
I'm not strong enough
I give into changing
You don't deserve me

In a rightful manner j wouldn't blame you if you left
Me sitting in my room
With pictures of us hanging on my walls
And notes
And memories perfect enough to drown me.

It's what I deserve,








You don't deserve me.





I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I'm going to try harder.
Just tell me.. What I have to do, because I can't stand to lose you

I hate complaining, yet I do it all the

I hate complaining, yet I do it all the fucking time, I hate when
people cuss alot, yet I do it. I hate music snobs, yet that's what I
am. I hate pathetic people. I am one. I hate bitchs, I am one. I hate
sluts, and you could say I am considering. I hate depressive people,
guess what I am? Depressive. Ah, I'm so hypocritical. But who honestly
isn't?

I wake up at 3 different times a week, todo what? Something I signed
up for. Surprise surprise. And I complain about it. So you could shove
that in my face, but, it goes past that. People don't give marching
band kids enough credit, we are up earlier, working harder, and
pushing harder, staying up later than most other kids in high school.
We dedicate a hour every week day for this thing, we don't sit with
our out of band friends during football games. We hold our grades up,
memorize, 3 or 4 pages of music, not adding litterally hundreds of
pages of drill. Not to mention 6 or 7 stand tunes, we get tested on
these too. A memorize warmups. Learn a whole different way of moving,
hold up the whole marching band, because if youdlnt know your music,
don't know your dot, you mess up the whole band. It's a whole new
defintion of team work. You try it. Wake up at 4:30, don't go to bed
till 11 and repeat, see how your grades do. Fall in practice and get
right back up. Your pulled between your friends dd out of band, and
friends in band, and when your friends out of band don't even try to
understand, it's not easy. Not easy at all.

But, you don't understand what we get out of itthough,

We get a weekly party, a whole new group of friends that love us,
except us, and care, tutuors, things to do at football games, senior
friends, junior friends, sophmore friends, a sense of being needed,
the adrenlinr of having. Your it show. The happiness of a good
rehersal, pep game or show, assemblies.

We have the good and the bad.. But, the good out weighs the bad a guess.

I guess, I don't know where I'm going with life, I don't care. Really,
I'm feeling very blank, empty, calm right now. I'll continue later,
when I think of more.

----10/18/09 9:02

I love the feeling of lotion on my body, and peppermint ice cream, two
totally unrealated things, that are totally unrealated to what I'm
going to say, and in fact, I'm not sure what I'm going to say, I guess
I'm go ng to just let it come, it's the best idea I can think of..

I had 3 hour drill practice today, we learned 26pages of drill today.
I couldn't be more lost. I get block movements and stuff; but archs
and shit drive me nuts, because it's not a exact dot. But. You. Don't.
Know. What. I'm. Talking. About. Or. Care. I have scetionals tommorrow
which I will be doing in a dress, gah.. Yay for sectionals becaUse
alex is there. And brianna, and mike. Those would be the favorite
people in my section. All for very different reasons, but they are all
each equally great.

I have state horse show Friday, and am missing final practice before
asu, and probably not going to the football game, considering if there
are 20 or more people in my classes.. Which would blow big time. I'm
excited, it's my first year qualifing, which is great. And my first
time on a reallllly well trained horse. So, hopefully, it'll be alright.

I'm not talking to jack or Daniel as much any more. Both bad in ways,
one good in ways. Bothers me..

I'm not sure how I feel over all, well today I do. I'm happy. But,
it's Monday, and I miss school friday. Who k owe what it will be like
by wens. Or the endof tomorrow. We can always hope.

Okay, well that was a lame thing tonight since I'm not in a great
creative deep thinking mood.. Ta ta for now, till tomorrow

P.s. Dad was drunk last night.. Again. I refuse to be him when I'm
older. I swear.

----10/19/09 10:07 pm

So, I'm doing In th bandoom ther isn fmuch else to say.
----10/20/09 3:43 pm

I've lately been feeling really down, and low, un-self confident, but
before I go to bed a do this happiness journal thing, and it make me
realize the goood things in my day, which I like. I feel happy about
that, and sucessful, that I'm starting to find my happiness points.I'm
also sleeping better because of it. Or I'm just really tired, it could
be the later.

I'm slightly stressed, slightly worried. I look for any sign of a down
words slid that I can, but I can't find it. I don't know of I justsuck
at looking like so much else, or just have been gone for too long,
either way, it makes me wonder if it's just something, as always that
you need to just pick yourself up, and move on. Because, that would be
the best idea, and there is no need for the pain of breaking yourself
down, it's hard enough already to make yourself happy. Maybe Im wrong,
but doesn't it seem logical, for gods sales we made it this far, and
breaking Down, once or twice was enough. Why do it again, but maybe
i've changed pasted the focus of that. That Im so numb to the mental
pain, that I dont remeber the need for it, how I use to get 3 hours of
sleep for 4 nights In a row to challenge my self, to make me break,
crack, stress. Now, I am I to physcial pain. Sharp, sharp, physcial
pain. I like this ankle issue. I like it.

I scare myself with my liking for pain like I do, my need for
adrenaline, I wonder how far I WILL go, too far I fear, I know, it's
bound to happen. Just wait:

----10/21/09 9:18 pm

I want a man.

SO bad. I don't really honestly like someone, so that's really not
going to happen, I mean, I'm pretty sure dillan likes me, and I
probably could date will, and I guess brian. But really, I'd only date
will out of all those people. I'm pretty sure, I still realllllly like
daniel. But hey, the whole heathly thing comes into play, mentally,
and physcialy. I don't want STDs now. Haha :P

I just can't help but feel no one wants me, at all, or cares, which
you could call dramatic. But people I'm interested in, really don't
feel the same. Ahhh the love life, I wish I had it easy!

I wrote a long journAl entry that was preetty sick. Umm, Ill probably
put it in here. The only real big issue is that, how much I hatemy
hair, my body, and how I have to pick between band kids and normal
friends

----10/23/09 9:33

And I miss you here now your gone,
And I keep waiting here by the phone,
With th pictures hanging on the wall,
Now your gone.

I'm going go asu band day, it going be a loud, 30minute bus ride. I
have to pee, and my head HURTS. I'm starting to like alex more, but I
need give us space.. I can't have another section thing, I do wish Zak
still cared about me, but he doesn't, and just thinks I'm immauture,
so what am I going to do? Nothing, in essicantional, I'm over him. I
have no need to want to be with him.

----10/24/09 1:36

Lock in time, and I couldn't be in a worse feeling mood, I can'tell if
it's the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. But I really.. Never
NEEDED a boyfriend. And I don't. But I havnt felt soo.. So out I life,
unwanted, or quite hidden. I just don't feel needed, I miss feeling
needed. Lives neither good nor bad, great nor horrible, but the red
arrrow is pointing more at the bad side of the scale. And it's really,
not anyones fault. It's mine if it's abyones. I love laura she's my
best friend. Not Mackenzie.

That would be laura. Ah, silly laura. Alright, I don't have anything
to say but I'm in a miserable mood. It's always good to know people
care though, alot of times that's what I rely on, more then I should,
way more the.n I should..
10/24/09

I didn't realize how unhappy I was with my life till now.

Ever carry the weight of another?
----10/30/09 9:15

Music!

It's another bus, another trip, another day. And another person, it
doesn't mAtter any way, the same thing is that, I'm a different a
person, adlnd is it evennossible to go backto way things were? Or
worth it? No probably not. I'm listening to god damn basshunter, how
could I NOT realize before which way I was going?

Down hill, but down the opposite hill of my best friend. Or then best
friend.

"I black out in the room again, busted lip and broken skin, I wKd up
in the bAthroom and dare not bother asking, why all I see is broken
glass inside of me, there are voices there to dare me, my father's
there to scare me "

---weight of the world, blue October, approaching normal<3

Ta ta for nowss
---11/1/09 8:46

Sent from my iPod

I am never

Going to be forgiven, by my pretense of my stableness. I know I won't, so I'm going shove myself through the whoole feelling, I am sorry.







I AM SORRY