once in years don't know what to say,
Scratch that,
It finally shows how badly I don't k ow what to say.nothing is right,
it's all my fault, 3verything I've ever done isn't good enough, and
it's my fault(:
The smiley is there, on purpose
I'm sorry
----11/5/09 11:40
I couldn't think of one good thing.. To write down tonight.
----11/5/09 11:59
In all honesty, I'm alone now.
It's my fault too
----11/7/09 8:24
I miss hbing a normal family
----11/8/09 10:46 am
I have no rights to complain about my life, but this is thebonly place
I feel excused from that fact, no. No actually I don't. Because that's
gotten me nothing good, maybe I should go make another blog, in
another site, so I can magically feel liscened to complain again.
I'm angry. I think that's ominpresent(I don't care if I used that in
the wrong way). In other words I'm always mad, irrated and upset by
you and everyone now. But mainly ME. And it goes passed my self
hatred, my self loathing.. It goes to the stupidty of others, how far
I am past what I loved to be.
I hate life, it's true. I hate what parts of it was. I see the flaws
of everything.what iused to turn a blind eye to. Imperfection- and if
you know one thing about me, know that, I hate imperfection from
things I expect to be, perfect.
I hate what I was because I'm not that anymore. And I don't want to
miss it because... I miss it. Whatever. I mask everything with anger
now.
I don't do anything for me, and if I do it's small. I wake up and go
to marching band for worried I'd be yelled at by others. I wake up and
go to school for my mom. I wake up. I
Wake up
What is the point past that? It's just the point I actually have to
swing my legs out of bed enter the world again. Pretend of doesn't
hurt. And try to think about how to help, when the truth is, I never
used to know how to help. But you don't remeberbthat do you... No.
Maybe it's the fact I'm changing my memory to make it easier now. In
9min I should be at jacks..
I just got to jacks, I wish I wasn't in such a bad mood. My moo makes
me want to lay down, my mood makes me want a boyfriend. ALEX. But I'm
his sister. I'm just bored, but I don't know what to make it better,
or more exciting.
/:
----11/8/09 6:18pm
I am strong because I am weak
I am beautiful because I have flaws
I am fearless because I have been afraid
I am wise because I had been foolish
I can laugh because I have know sadness.
I know sadness.
----11/8/09 11:01pm
I hate wearing pads.
Just thought I'd let you know.
---- same
I kinda promised alex I'd go to bed 20 min ago, but I can't skip..
11:11 If I'm not tired. I have wishes, hopes.. You know. Tomorrow I'm
going to write about today in here, starting with waking up. And going
to jacks house, and coming home, and I'm going to be honest, straight,
and cool about it. Going to tell you why I freaked the fuck out,
alright?!
Wtf? My house makes the weirdest noises, oh shiit, that's my mom, why
is she awake. Ughhh one minute.
----11/8/09 11:10pm
I had the worst dream ever last night.. Alex like hated me. And
stuff... And it sucked.
----11/9/09 5:08am
I'm putting blogging on a hold so I can work on the journal for the
time capusual
----11/11/09 2:46pm
Good night
Cross your fingers I wake up for 11/11 11:11
----11/11/09 9:45pm
I'm listening to across the universe, I haven't listened to it in
forever... It makes me want to cry because it keeps saying "nothings
going To change my world". It is summer for me. Jacks house, kashi
bars. That was this song is... I love it. I miss it. I hate it.
I want you to reconize, GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD it's hard for me too.
And I'm sorry, I'm a mess too. I'm not as strong as I seem, not as
happy. I don't let people see though. I don't let mysf see it.
It doesn't matter though, really, I say that with both ironic
sarcasim, and pure seriousness. Jacccckkle and hyyyde. I love you
though, dooont notice.
Today I went through the day. And I don't remeber it. I blanked.
Seriously blanked. I don't remember any of and I didn't feel time, and
that could be both good and bad.
----11/18/09 9:34pm
No ground In sight.
----11/18/09 6297930729pam
Found another band I can't listen to surprisingly... Augustana
----11/18/09
Im so far gone. I have been for so long.
Brian's asking me out Monday... GREAT ughh. Fuck me in the ass. I
don't like him but I don't want to break his heart. Fuckity fuck fuck
fuck. I think I'm goi g to cry. I want to cuut cuut cuuut, but I'd
rather overoveroverdooose. I'm singing this in my head. I think I'm a
little tired. I just don't like him... I'm going to a ravenwith April
soon. Weird, who EVER saw that?! I didn't. Well it's happening. And so
I must do it. And I want to! Yay for being with appppril!!!! And for
ravves of course! We shall partyyy!
I've sport to the cd mackkenzie made me. I can't listen to #4 it makes
me jitter. I'm in a stage where it's good to be empty, not think and
breathe.
----11/21/09 11:25
Whatever. It's time to let the days pass like minutes and forget and
never rememeber
----11/23/09 5:12pm
Sent from my iPod
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