I hate complaining, yet I do it all the

I hate complaining, yet I do it all the fucking time, I hate when
people cuss alot, yet I do it. I hate music snobs, yet that's what I
am. I hate pathetic people. I am one. I hate bitchs, I am one. I hate
sluts, and you could say I am considering. I hate depressive people,
guess what I am? Depressive. Ah, I'm so hypocritical. But who honestly
isn't?

I wake up at 3 different times a week, todo what? Something I signed
up for. Surprise surprise. And I complain about it. So you could shove
that in my face, but, it goes past that. People don't give marching
band kids enough credit, we are up earlier, working harder, and
pushing harder, staying up later than most other kids in high school.
We dedicate a hour every week day for this thing, we don't sit with
our out of band friends during football games. We hold our grades up,
memorize, 3 or 4 pages of music, not adding litterally hundreds of
pages of drill. Not to mention 6 or 7 stand tunes, we get tested on
these too. A memorize warmups. Learn a whole different way of moving,
hold up the whole marching band, because if youdlnt know your music,
don't know your dot, you mess up the whole band. It's a whole new
defintion of team work. You try it. Wake up at 4:30, don't go to bed
till 11 and repeat, see how your grades do. Fall in practice and get
right back up. Your pulled between your friends dd out of band, and
friends in band, and when your friends out of band don't even try to
understand, it's not easy. Not easy at all.

But, you don't understand what we get out of itthough,

We get a weekly party, a whole new group of friends that love us,
except us, and care, tutuors, things to do at football games, senior
friends, junior friends, sophmore friends, a sense of being needed,
the adrenlinr of having. Your it show. The happiness of a good
rehersal, pep game or show, assemblies.

We have the good and the bad.. But, the good out weighs the bad a guess.

I guess, I don't know where I'm going with life, I don't care. Really,
I'm feeling very blank, empty, calm right now. I'll continue later,
when I think of more.

----10/18/09 9:02

I love the feeling of lotion on my body, and peppermint ice cream, two
totally unrealated things, that are totally unrealated to what I'm
going to say, and in fact, I'm not sure what I'm going to say, I guess
I'm go ng to just let it come, it's the best idea I can think of..

I had 3 hour drill practice today, we learned 26pages of drill today.
I couldn't be more lost. I get block movements and stuff; but archs
and shit drive me nuts, because it's not a exact dot. But. You. Don't.
Know. What. I'm. Talking. About. Or. Care. I have scetionals tommorrow
which I will be doing in a dress, gah.. Yay for sectionals becaUse
alex is there. And brianna, and mike. Those would be the favorite
people in my section. All for very different reasons, but they are all
each equally great.

I have state horse show Friday, and am missing final practice before
asu, and probably not going to the football game, considering if there
are 20 or more people in my classes.. Which would blow big time. I'm
excited, it's my first year qualifing, which is great. And my first
time on a reallllly well trained horse. So, hopefully, it'll be alright.

I'm not talking to jack or Daniel as much any more. Both bad in ways,
one good in ways. Bothers me..

I'm not sure how I feel over all, well today I do. I'm happy. But,
it's Monday, and I miss school friday. Who k owe what it will be like
by wens. Or the endof tomorrow. We can always hope.

Okay, well that was a lame thing tonight since I'm not in a great
creative deep thinking mood.. Ta ta for now, till tomorrow

P.s. Dad was drunk last night.. Again. I refuse to be him when I'm
older. I swear.

----10/19/09 10:07 pm

So, I'm doing In th bandoom ther isn fmuch else to say.
----10/20/09 3:43 pm

I've lately been feeling really down, and low, un-self confident, but
before I go to bed a do this happiness journal thing, and it make me
realize the goood things in my day, which I like. I feel happy about
that, and sucessful, that I'm starting to find my happiness points.I'm
also sleeping better because of it. Or I'm just really tired, it could
be the later.

I'm slightly stressed, slightly worried. I look for any sign of a down
words slid that I can, but I can't find it. I don't know of I justsuck
at looking like so much else, or just have been gone for too long,
either way, it makes me wonder if it's just something, as always that
you need to just pick yourself up, and move on. Because, that would be
the best idea, and there is no need for the pain of breaking yourself
down, it's hard enough already to make yourself happy. Maybe Im wrong,
but doesn't it seem logical, for gods sales we made it this far, and
breaking Down, once or twice was enough. Why do it again, but maybe
i've changed pasted the focus of that. That Im so numb to the mental
pain, that I dont remeber the need for it, how I use to get 3 hours of
sleep for 4 nights In a row to challenge my self, to make me break,
crack, stress. Now, I am I to physcial pain. Sharp, sharp, physcial
pain. I like this ankle issue. I like it.

I scare myself with my liking for pain like I do, my need for
adrenaline, I wonder how far I WILL go, too far I fear, I know, it's
bound to happen. Just wait:

----10/21/09 9:18 pm

I want a man.

SO bad. I don't really honestly like someone, so that's really not
going to happen, I mean, I'm pretty sure dillan likes me, and I
probably could date will, and I guess brian. But really, I'd only date
will out of all those people. I'm pretty sure, I still realllllly like
daniel. But hey, the whole heathly thing comes into play, mentally,
and physcialy. I don't want STDs now. Haha :P

I just can't help but feel no one wants me, at all, or cares, which
you could call dramatic. But people I'm interested in, really don't
feel the same. Ahhh the love life, I wish I had it easy!

I wrote a long journAl entry that was preetty sick. Umm, Ill probably
put it in here. The only real big issue is that, how much I hatemy
hair, my body, and how I have to pick between band kids and normal
friends

----10/23/09 9:33

And I miss you here now your gone,
And I keep waiting here by the phone,
With th pictures hanging on the wall,
Now your gone.

I'm going go asu band day, it going be a loud, 30minute bus ride. I
have to pee, and my head HURTS. I'm starting to like alex more, but I
need give us space.. I can't have another section thing, I do wish Zak
still cared about me, but he doesn't, and just thinks I'm immauture,
so what am I going to do? Nothing, in essicantional, I'm over him. I
have no need to want to be with him.

----10/24/09 1:36

Lock in time, and I couldn't be in a worse feeling mood, I can'tell if
it's the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. But I really.. Never
NEEDED a boyfriend. And I don't. But I havnt felt soo.. So out I life,
unwanted, or quite hidden. I just don't feel needed, I miss feeling
needed. Lives neither good nor bad, great nor horrible, but the red
arrrow is pointing more at the bad side of the scale. And it's really,
not anyones fault. It's mine if it's abyones. I love laura she's my
best friend. Not Mackenzie.

That would be laura. Ah, silly laura. Alright, I don't have anything
to say but I'm in a miserable mood. It's always good to know people
care though, alot of times that's what I rely on, more then I should,
way more the.n I should..
10/24/09

I didn't realize how unhappy I was with my life till now.

Ever carry the weight of another?
----10/30/09 9:15

Music!

It's another bus, another trip, another day. And another person, it
doesn't mAtter any way, the same thing is that, I'm a different a
person, adlnd is it evennossible to go backto way things were? Or
worth it? No probably not. I'm listening to god damn basshunter, how
could I NOT realize before which way I was going?

Down hill, but down the opposite hill of my best friend. Or then best
friend.

"I black out in the room again, busted lip and broken skin, I wKd up
in the bAthroom and dare not bother asking, why all I see is broken
glass inside of me, there are voices there to dare me, my father's
there to scare me "

---weight of the world, blue October, approaching normal<3

Ta ta for nowss
---11/1/09 8:46

Sent from my iPod