and who I am during the day.
Night: adult, strong, keeper of the house, tending to my father... "go
to bed, take a shower" "scrap your plate" "don't touch that, leave
that, I told you leave that alone" I become a mom, a holder a home
maker. I ignore everything, I can only do so much work when my dad Is
drunk behind my back. While he is in bed by 9, I'm lucky if it's by
10. I shutter at him. He's nothing to me, even less than before, I
never have rememeber it being this damn bad .. It wasn't with me
that's why. I don't know howmy mom usedto be able to wake up and roll
over and see that. For 14 years? He'll I can barely do it for a
month.I'm not a child at night. I'm a adult, it makes me wonder... How
easily I adapated to this. How easily I relaxed into my face front
look of preotecter. Oh fucking weell.
By day: I'm zombie sleepyhead snoring not me. Somedays night me
carries over. I will be exactly like my mom, I see it now. I Cant
change that. I juggle problems with boys that likeme that I can't
date, and boys that like me I hate. There isno middle ground, I'm not
sympathetic, happy, exciting, that's what's happened to me. I am but a
body of simple ground, and no body really has noticed, but the peoplei
screw over. Oh how I screw them over. I can't ever fix what I've done.
So I don't try anymore .. I don't try to help, try to say what I'm
feeling. Because I don't feel anything.
I have to be something I'm not by night, but I don't know who I am by
day. I suppose I'm a mix of band saskia, 7th grade saskia, 8th grade
saskia, summer saskia, jeffs saskia, mackenzies saskia, jacks saskia,
dennis's saskia, Rambo's saskia, Miranda's saskia, savannah's saskia,
laura's saskia.
But I don't have it down pack now. Because I'm not my saskia.
And that's who I want to be
----11/30/09 6:44
Sent from my iPod
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