I'm in a struggle

Between blowing my brains out to Blue October with 8 hour Advil.
or sleeping and waking up,
and doing my work
and studying


it's such a harder descion, while last year i would have known the answer without a doubt,
but i have people to deal with,
help, love
be healthy for, stay healthy for.

It seems that when i wakeup, look at the clock, and i hope to god, that it isn't 6:30.
i hope it's 3am, so ic an sleep
or stay up longer

either way.




I'm kinda in a odd tug of war, between last year and this year. I'm still filled with blind hope, i've still got my rings, i've got my music, and hell, i"ve got you Mackenzie Crawford.
and in all honesty, that's still all i need.
I need John Charles Flynn,
I need Savannah Eilan Wooten
I need Mackenzie Taylor Crawford.

But it's all in different ways, and you won't be able to read it on my face, and you won't be able to see my tears, and all the broken promises and sadness in them,
you won't hear my quivering voice,
or my sad texts

I'm angry and tense and would rather run for 3 miles then admit to you,
that my fingers are itching to crack, and write words that i can't tell if they're true
My knobby knees are padded with things that have never been there,
the more i don't say,
i've packed them with secrets, i'm bloating
i'm floating
largerlargerlarger.


But, everything is okay,
I'm flying away
and touching the skies.

Because i have someone that i love
and he loves me too.
and my mom and i have a
quiet understanding
broken glass and sharp words
but a understanding
I can stand up without anyone,
and be okay
not great, but grey, plain, okay
that i have made the choice,
that my dad's drinking will not
effect my life
no matter how much i thoguht it
once could
that has stopped now, because
i am strong, and tall, and red,
and emotional, and worthwhile,
and i promise you,

I am here to stay,
and my tongue is still pressed to the socket of electric dreams