Waaahhhh <3

I want to say, i'm talking to Mackenzie Taylor Crawford. doing a little updatey on Mr. Atkins. ;) it's pretty great. i called him, and rambo, and mackenzie.

Everythings going pretty good, i want you to know that, i want you to know, that i really like Michael. i want you to know, i miss alot of people.




I'm round with wonder of you,
I'm tickled with rosey lips,
blue, white, and grey.
kissing of your hands and cold fingers,
dials up to 6,

warming toes on frozen blankets,
unbuttoning pants and unzipping jackets,
i'm never going to forget what that really was,

because it's going out your window, and into mine.

and i love you<3

In a weird way

Christmas has never failedbto disapoint me, holidays are the worst tiilme of the year with dear old dad, and any way, x-mas is slightly boring.

I'm just trying to make myself feel better

Liking you was kinda my anchor, giving m

Liking you was kinda my anchor, giving me something to work for...
But.. But hey.. It's fine. I swear. I swear to god... I'm lying. I'm
lying. But that's fine. I swear.

December 5th 09 11:26pm

I'm fine. And I mean it. It's cool, hot, either way. I'm just normal
plain old not feeling anything saskia. Helllloooo brother

Decemeber 6th 09 10:01

Ahhh it been awhile since I wrote, so much new stuff... Tell you about
it later. My journal already knows. ;)

Decemeber 14th 09 9:42

That feeling where you sit and are comfortable. Nothing can move you
from your place, that's what I feel. Solid.

But, out of everyone, I think I know the most, that I of all, need to
be the one bleeding on the floor. It's way past due for a break down,
an a place to pull up. But, that means pushing, proding, and probably
the most painful, remembering. So I'll start tonight, so soon, an just
fully crumble, because I need it. An deserve it. And I don't want
anyone to pick me up. Or touch me. I want to do it myself as long as
possible. I want it to be a night I'm awake till 4 and up at 7. I want
it to be a night where I sleep to music. I want it to be a night full
of tears. I want it to be a night with my ihome in my bed. And of all
things, I want it to be a night where the tub is stained/ red/

I have everything I "want" and I am "happy". But that's not true. And
I think; maybe thisill help, because after thinking of one memory then
shutting down, that is doing nothing. And it's been destroying
everything I actually love<3

Call me Christmas day Mackenzie, I want to talk to you

December 23, 2009 9:15 am

Sent from my iPod

7am

With migranes, a boyfriend, and a dead feeling at the chase.

I don't want to go into detail, I'll save that for Christmas, and I'll save your ears, because I need to think this trough myself, because I haven't been thinking straight, or at all in forever.

I just maybe thought

I should post a update, about how I punched zak in the head, ducked up my hand, like michael now, and am really worried about everyone, oh yeah, just a tiny update

Hello

Your pissing me off, just thought you should know.
Kthaxbai

I can't honestly talk on here anymore. Oh well.

I want to play the blame game so bad right now, oh yes I do.

Look up

Evident utensal.

Fuck off, maybe you can stop jumping to conclusions. This never was a one way street,

Savannah

I just need to know of your getting my messages... If your not.. I don't know who they're going to... And I suppose that's fine too. Buut; I don't care If you responded... Just let me know

And so

it's time to leave.
bye.

BLOGGER

I think It's time to

fuck this shit.
forget whatever i've said. because apparently i've done no good, an di just can't breathe in this clausticphobic place of memories. there is too MUCH of me in these words. and....
everything is becoming too much like home. and it's been 5 months. i think it did start with that kisss.. that one kiss. and that's where i see it start to unravel. It'where i did somethign so unlike me, even though it was bound to happen. and i changed. because, i needed that change. Because i was still as broken as ever then, even as i look back, i can SEE that. of, yes i can see that.

But that doesn't matter. and i can't dwell on that. Because i'm so unlike that person now. and i'm pretty sure there is no going back. and i don't see a forward. and i really don't know how to deal with anything recenttly, anything in the last 5 months. so i haven't and that's, that's our real problem. I haven't been a big girl, and separted myself from the bandies. i haven't spread my time evenly or more like 70 30 70 more to you.

I've been selfish. Mean. Stupid. Imature. Silly. and ugly.

But can i really un-do FIVE MONTHS of that? you tell me

I'm so dead.
I don't see any forward.

I don't feel anything.

It doesn't hurt. It doesn't hurt.



I hate

Thats so true

But hey, it's what was expected. I didn't need someone else to tell me the truth,
Hey hunnnnn please stop moving.

my box is too small

and this part is becoming me.

asjhrvdtyj vxynjvdjytdjytr5s6eu2wq,x cghvub89i re76be458545h6bn


Shoot me in the face, or letme slit my wristsss asghga

Nothing plus something

Is medicore.

I wish it was possible to curl up and sleep for hours. Maybe.. Maybe I'll throw up at night, and say that. And not go to schol. Or in the morning.

Here is a double faced blade lining my l

Here is a double faced blade lining my life now, who I am at night,
and who I am during the day.

Night: adult, strong, keeper of the house, tending to my father... "go
to bed, take a shower" "scrap your plate" "don't touch that, leave
that, I told you leave that alone" I become a mom, a holder a home
maker. I ignore everything, I can only do so much work when my dad Is
drunk behind my back. While he is in bed by 9, I'm lucky if it's by
10. I shutter at him. He's nothing to me, even less than before, I
never have rememeber it being this damn bad .. It wasn't with me
that's why. I don't know howmy mom usedto be able to wake up and roll
over and see that. For 14 years? He'll I can barely do it for a
month.I'm not a child at night. I'm a adult, it makes me wonder... How
easily I adapated to this. How easily I relaxed into my face front
look of preotecter. Oh fucking weell.

By day: I'm zombie sleepyhead snoring not me. Somedays night me
carries over. I will be exactly like my mom, I see it now. I Cant
change that. I juggle problems with boys that likeme that I can't
date, and boys that like me I hate. There isno middle ground, I'm not
sympathetic, happy, exciting, that's what's happened to me. I am but a
body of simple ground, and no body really has noticed, but the peoplei
screw over. Oh how I screw them over. I can't ever fix what I've done.
So I don't try anymore .. I don't try to help, try to say what I'm
feeling. Because I don't feel anything.

I have to be something I'm not by night, but I don't know who I am by
day. I suppose I'm a mix of band saskia, 7th grade saskia, 8th grade
saskia, summer saskia, jeffs saskia, mackenzies saskia, jacks saskia,
dennis's saskia, Rambo's saskia, Miranda's saskia, savannah's saskia,
laura's saskia.
But I don't have it down pack now. Because I'm not my saskia.

And that's who I want to be
----11/30/09 6:44

Sent from my iPod

I've come to the only conclucion

that actually makes sense.

I'm nothing any more, i don't think, i don't speak, i don't explain, i sit and don't listen to music, to make any sort of meaning, i use it to stop from thought going in. To keep any going out. I use it as a firm wall to hold up and suspend any and all emotion in and or out of my perfect machign of cool, calm, and collected. No more late nights, sleep by 11, or even 12. Journal's are empty and untouched, blogger is just filled with simple, ugly, stupid words. I don't remeber each day, or what i did an hour ago, time passes with no consiption to me. I sit. I am. I was. i am, not any longer.

I stare at my walls, what is on there? Memories. Moments. Times i had with friends. What's the last memory put up there? Band camp.

Have i been dead that long? HAVE I? no no of course not...your lying to me.why would i do that?because you don't want the truth.. i mean i... i mean..lies aren't true.THEY AREcalm down relax, everything's going to be fine. you'll fix thiswhat is there to fix i don't see a follow through a next point..i don't eitherthen why are you telling me this?lies, i, you,i mean.. i.. you. lie.noo.. noo.. no we don't..
Look at yourself in the mirror.I am.Do you see anything?No.Then why are we still trying?Because...I lie.you said you didn't.i told you I LIE

Peppermint stick.. peppermint dick.. peppermint CLIT




I stare, i don't do, i sit, io don't move, i am, i don't see, you see right through me, i don't get what i want, because i don't lnow what i want anymore, i am nothing of what i used to be. NOTHING. and i doon't know where to pick up. were i even left off, i casn't pin point a spot, a breaking point, a final hit, i don't see you in the morning, i dpn't hear you at night, i don't rememeber what it was like... i'm pretending so well.

I don't eat.
I sleep.
I puke.
I cut.
Ghost.


That's my mind for today, or a while. I guess you'll know when it changes,

Goodnight i suppose blogger<3

Placing all my cards on the table

I'm going to go ahead and question you on your right to point fingerss, and be how you are. Because for the first time since I've ever met you you've pissed my severly off, your just as immature, angry, dramatic, weak, as anyone. An I'm actually mad for once. Yeah, that's right, me mad. ACTUALLY mad.<3


Next point.

Such a calm disaster I'm in. I maybe should actually apply myself next time with michell, tell him about you, and you, and you, and spill about how I'm a emotional vault, you have to crack into it to get to any, know the right combo, words, buttons to press. Tell him how I'm a solid beam of days streching into the next and I don't know why but I can't find any difference in any one, I just try to get through the week...

It's time

To start a new blog, where no one can find it,
where it's empty, and fresh and new.
and there's no wars and anger and yelling


AND I DON"T HAVE TO CENSOR WHAT I SAY

When your drowning

In a sea of nothing,
you'd look for a light house,

when you can't find that light house,
you'd look for land,

When you don't find land.





You sink.

I have never felt so helpless. I see you

I have never felt so helpless. I see you fading before me.. And I for
once in years don't know what to say,
Scratch that,
It finally shows how badly I don't k ow what to say.nothing is right,
it's all my fault, 3verything I've ever done isn't good enough, and
it's my fault(:
The smiley is there, on purpose

I'm sorry

----11/5/09 11:40

I couldn't think of one good thing.. To write down tonight.

----11/5/09 11:59

In all honesty, I'm alone now.
It's my fault too

----11/7/09 8:24

I miss hbing a normal family

----11/8/09 10:46 am

I have no rights to complain about my life, but this is thebonly place
I feel excused from that fact, no. No actually I don't. Because that's
gotten me nothing good, maybe I should go make another blog, in
another site, so I can magically feel liscened to complain again.

I'm angry. I think that's ominpresent(I don't care if I used that in
the wrong way). In other words I'm always mad, irrated and upset by
you and everyone now. But mainly ME. And it goes passed my self
hatred, my self loathing.. It goes to the stupidty of others, how far
I am past what I loved to be.

I hate life, it's true. I hate what parts of it was. I see the flaws
of everything.what iused to turn a blind eye to. Imperfection- and if
you know one thing about me, know that, I hate imperfection from
things I expect to be, perfect.

I hate what I was because I'm not that anymore. And I don't want to
miss it because... I miss it. Whatever. I mask everything with anger
now.

I don't do anything for me, and if I do it's small. I wake up and go
to marching band for worried I'd be yelled at by others. I wake up and
go to school for my mom. I wake up. I
Wake up
What is the point past that? It's just the point I actually have to
swing my legs out of bed enter the world again. Pretend of doesn't
hurt. And try to think about how to help, when the truth is, I never
used to know how to help. But you don't remeberbthat do you... No.
Maybe it's the fact I'm changing my memory to make it easier now. In
9min I should be at jacks..

I just got to jacks, I wish I wasn't in such a bad mood. My moo makes
me want to lay down, my mood makes me want a boyfriend. ALEX. But I'm
his sister. I'm just bored, but I don't know what to make it better,
or more exciting.

/:

----11/8/09 6:18pm

I am strong because I am weak
I am beautiful because I have flaws
I am fearless because I have been afraid
I am wise because I had been foolish

I can laugh because I have know sadness.
I know sadness.

----11/8/09 11:01pm
I hate wearing pads.

Just thought I'd let you know.

---- same

I kinda promised alex I'd go to bed 20 min ago, but I can't skip..
11:11 If I'm not tired. I have wishes, hopes.. You know. Tomorrow I'm
going to write about today in here, starting with waking up. And going
to jacks house, and coming home, and I'm going to be honest, straight,
and cool about it. Going to tell you why I freaked the fuck out,
alright?!

Wtf? My house makes the weirdest noises, oh shiit, that's my mom, why
is she awake. Ughhh one minute.

----11/8/09 11:10pm

I had the worst dream ever last night.. Alex like hated me. And
stuff... And it sucked.

----11/9/09 5:08am

I'm putting blogging on a hold so I can work on the journal for the
time capusual

----11/11/09 2:46pm

Good night
Cross your fingers I wake up for 11/11 11:11

----11/11/09 9:45pm

I'm listening to across the universe, I haven't listened to it in
forever... It makes me want to cry because it keeps saying "nothings
going To change my world". It is summer for me. Jacks house, kashi
bars. That was this song is... I love it. I miss it. I hate it.

I want you to reconize, GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD it's hard for me too.
And I'm sorry, I'm a mess too. I'm not as strong as I seem, not as
happy. I don't let people see though. I don't let mysf see it.

It doesn't matter though, really, I say that with both ironic
sarcasim, and pure seriousness. Jacccckkle and hyyyde. I love you
though, dooont notice.

Today I went through the day. And I don't remeber it. I blanked.
Seriously blanked. I don't remember any of and I didn't feel time, and
that could be both good and bad.
----11/18/09 9:34pm
No ground In sight.

----11/18/09 6297930729pam

Found another band I can't listen to surprisingly... Augustana

----11/18/09

Im so far gone. I have been for so long.

Brian's asking me out Monday... GREAT ughh. Fuck me in the ass. I
don't like him but I don't want to break his heart. Fuckity fuck fuck
fuck. I think I'm goi g to cry. I want to cuut cuut cuuut, but I'd
rather overoveroverdooose. I'm singing this in my head. I think I'm a
little tired. I just don't like him... I'm going to a ravenwith April
soon. Weird, who EVER saw that?! I didn't. Well it's happening. And so
I must do it. And I want to! Yay for being with appppril!!!! And for
ravves of course! We shall partyyy!

I've sport to the cd mackkenzie made me. I can't listen to #4 it makes
me jitter. I'm in a stage where it's good to be empty, not think and
breathe.

----11/21/09 11:25

Whatever. It's time to let the days pass like minutes and forget and
never rememeber

----11/23/09 5:12pm

Sent from my iPod

This is when

You know your alone, and you know how it's going to end.
It's going to be your fault either way. And everything you say are just words on a page.
And come on, this is not a one way street no matter how you turn it.
Oops, that's right. MAYBE it is when it comes to me. Oops. Forgot,

Why do you bother to assume, ask, and push, it's not true; you don't miss me do you? because today for one honest to goodness time in maybe months, I felt something past the normal white machine, and I hate everyone responsible for that. Because I was a tangle of flames. And you can read my lips if they lie, I wasn't... Sane. And I can't go there again. I've worked so hard to this coolness of clear and calm.. Sane is not a normal habit for me. Not anymore. If I ever.. It'll be uglier then ever



Dgaf

I'd give anything

To be gone.

Hello

Im gone.
i'll be done with this journal.

I need

To stop this disgusting habit of turning a blind eye, and start working and thinking about help the people I love

Sometimes

You gotta stop trying, and just settle being the little sister, and forget about what you wanted. There's mrs imporant things to deal with, people included.

I'm tired and sleepy, and focused, and sad. And still sorry, and confused.

Love as always,
Saskia

This means

Alot:

That I can still cry for your pain, to know I'm not dead inside.. That I feel relief after the cuts. That I still feel, though this is small.

Next step, figuring out how to help.



::::::::
I lost me, and you lost you.





I'm sorry

I slid

the razor taped tounge along my arms,
And unwind from the night before,
Center myself in reality,
I'd attempt
Because I don't know where that is,
I sniff my fingers,
The smell of sweet, pure, brokeness

I just keep turning up the car radio to block out everything,
Your the only one that's trying any more,
I should realize by now
That I am doing something wrong..

As I've proven time and time again
I'm not strong enough
I give into changing
You don't deserve me

In a rightful manner j wouldn't blame you if you left
Me sitting in my room
With pictures of us hanging on my walls
And notes
And memories perfect enough to drown me.

It's what I deserve,








You don't deserve me.





I've said it before, but I'll say it again, I'm going to try harder.
Just tell me.. What I have to do, because I can't stand to lose you

I hate complaining, yet I do it all the

I hate complaining, yet I do it all the fucking time, I hate when
people cuss alot, yet I do it. I hate music snobs, yet that's what I
am. I hate pathetic people. I am one. I hate bitchs, I am one. I hate
sluts, and you could say I am considering. I hate depressive people,
guess what I am? Depressive. Ah, I'm so hypocritical. But who honestly
isn't?

I wake up at 3 different times a week, todo what? Something I signed
up for. Surprise surprise. And I complain about it. So you could shove
that in my face, but, it goes past that. People don't give marching
band kids enough credit, we are up earlier, working harder, and
pushing harder, staying up later than most other kids in high school.
We dedicate a hour every week day for this thing, we don't sit with
our out of band friends during football games. We hold our grades up,
memorize, 3 or 4 pages of music, not adding litterally hundreds of
pages of drill. Not to mention 6 or 7 stand tunes, we get tested on
these too. A memorize warmups. Learn a whole different way of moving,
hold up the whole marching band, because if youdlnt know your music,
don't know your dot, you mess up the whole band. It's a whole new
defintion of team work. You try it. Wake up at 4:30, don't go to bed
till 11 and repeat, see how your grades do. Fall in practice and get
right back up. Your pulled between your friends dd out of band, and
friends in band, and when your friends out of band don't even try to
understand, it's not easy. Not easy at all.

But, you don't understand what we get out of itthough,

We get a weekly party, a whole new group of friends that love us,
except us, and care, tutuors, things to do at football games, senior
friends, junior friends, sophmore friends, a sense of being needed,
the adrenlinr of having. Your it show. The happiness of a good
rehersal, pep game or show, assemblies.

We have the good and the bad.. But, the good out weighs the bad a guess.

I guess, I don't know where I'm going with life, I don't care. Really,
I'm feeling very blank, empty, calm right now. I'll continue later,
when I think of more.

----10/18/09 9:02

I love the feeling of lotion on my body, and peppermint ice cream, two
totally unrealated things, that are totally unrealated to what I'm
going to say, and in fact, I'm not sure what I'm going to say, I guess
I'm go ng to just let it come, it's the best idea I can think of..

I had 3 hour drill practice today, we learned 26pages of drill today.
I couldn't be more lost. I get block movements and stuff; but archs
and shit drive me nuts, because it's not a exact dot. But. You. Don't.
Know. What. I'm. Talking. About. Or. Care. I have scetionals tommorrow
which I will be doing in a dress, gah.. Yay for sectionals becaUse
alex is there. And brianna, and mike. Those would be the favorite
people in my section. All for very different reasons, but they are all
each equally great.

I have state horse show Friday, and am missing final practice before
asu, and probably not going to the football game, considering if there
are 20 or more people in my classes.. Which would blow big time. I'm
excited, it's my first year qualifing, which is great. And my first
time on a reallllly well trained horse. So, hopefully, it'll be alright.

I'm not talking to jack or Daniel as much any more. Both bad in ways,
one good in ways. Bothers me..

I'm not sure how I feel over all, well today I do. I'm happy. But,
it's Monday, and I miss school friday. Who k owe what it will be like
by wens. Or the endof tomorrow. We can always hope.

Okay, well that was a lame thing tonight since I'm not in a great
creative deep thinking mood.. Ta ta for now, till tomorrow

P.s. Dad was drunk last night.. Again. I refuse to be him when I'm
older. I swear.

----10/19/09 10:07 pm

So, I'm doing In th bandoom ther isn fmuch else to say.
----10/20/09 3:43 pm

I've lately been feeling really down, and low, un-self confident, but
before I go to bed a do this happiness journal thing, and it make me
realize the goood things in my day, which I like. I feel happy about
that, and sucessful, that I'm starting to find my happiness points.I'm
also sleeping better because of it. Or I'm just really tired, it could
be the later.

I'm slightly stressed, slightly worried. I look for any sign of a down
words slid that I can, but I can't find it. I don't know of I justsuck
at looking like so much else, or just have been gone for too long,
either way, it makes me wonder if it's just something, as always that
you need to just pick yourself up, and move on. Because, that would be
the best idea, and there is no need for the pain of breaking yourself
down, it's hard enough already to make yourself happy. Maybe Im wrong,
but doesn't it seem logical, for gods sales we made it this far, and
breaking Down, once or twice was enough. Why do it again, but maybe
i've changed pasted the focus of that. That Im so numb to the mental
pain, that I dont remeber the need for it, how I use to get 3 hours of
sleep for 4 nights In a row to challenge my self, to make me break,
crack, stress. Now, I am I to physcial pain. Sharp, sharp, physcial
pain. I like this ankle issue. I like it.

I scare myself with my liking for pain like I do, my need for
adrenaline, I wonder how far I WILL go, too far I fear, I know, it's
bound to happen. Just wait:

----10/21/09 9:18 pm

I want a man.

SO bad. I don't really honestly like someone, so that's really not
going to happen, I mean, I'm pretty sure dillan likes me, and I
probably could date will, and I guess brian. But really, I'd only date
will out of all those people. I'm pretty sure, I still realllllly like
daniel. But hey, the whole heathly thing comes into play, mentally,
and physcialy. I don't want STDs now. Haha :P

I just can't help but feel no one wants me, at all, or cares, which
you could call dramatic. But people I'm interested in, really don't
feel the same. Ahhh the love life, I wish I had it easy!

I wrote a long journAl entry that was preetty sick. Umm, Ill probably
put it in here. The only real big issue is that, how much I hatemy
hair, my body, and how I have to pick between band kids and normal
friends

----10/23/09 9:33

And I miss you here now your gone,
And I keep waiting here by the phone,
With th pictures hanging on the wall,
Now your gone.

I'm going go asu band day, it going be a loud, 30minute bus ride. I
have to pee, and my head HURTS. I'm starting to like alex more, but I
need give us space.. I can't have another section thing, I do wish Zak
still cared about me, but he doesn't, and just thinks I'm immauture,
so what am I going to do? Nothing, in essicantional, I'm over him. I
have no need to want to be with him.

----10/24/09 1:36

Lock in time, and I couldn't be in a worse feeling mood, I can'tell if
it's the fact that I don't have a boyfriend. But I really.. Never
NEEDED a boyfriend. And I don't. But I havnt felt soo.. So out I life,
unwanted, or quite hidden. I just don't feel needed, I miss feeling
needed. Lives neither good nor bad, great nor horrible, but the red
arrrow is pointing more at the bad side of the scale. And it's really,
not anyones fault. It's mine if it's abyones. I love laura she's my
best friend. Not Mackenzie.

That would be laura. Ah, silly laura. Alright, I don't have anything
to say but I'm in a miserable mood. It's always good to know people
care though, alot of times that's what I rely on, more then I should,
way more the.n I should..
10/24/09

I didn't realize how unhappy I was with my life till now.

Ever carry the weight of another?
----10/30/09 9:15

Music!

It's another bus, another trip, another day. And another person, it
doesn't mAtter any way, the same thing is that, I'm a different a
person, adlnd is it evennossible to go backto way things were? Or
worth it? No probably not. I'm listening to god damn basshunter, how
could I NOT realize before which way I was going?

Down hill, but down the opposite hill of my best friend. Or then best
friend.

"I black out in the room again, busted lip and broken skin, I wKd up
in the bAthroom and dare not bother asking, why all I see is broken
glass inside of me, there are voices there to dare me, my father's
there to scare me "

---weight of the world, blue October, approaching normal<3

Ta ta for nowss
---11/1/09 8:46

Sent from my iPod

I am never

Going to be forgiven, by my pretense of my stableness. I know I won't, so I'm going shove myself through the whoole feelling, I am sorry.







I AM SORRY

I've decided

I'm not going to sit around complaining about how I don't have time or energy, to I cant make things better with peopl, because I can,
So here is my first step,
My first movement to show you I care,
And I'm not just failing anymore.

I'm sorry, for not testing back, not calling back, not picking up, for ditching you, for ignoring you, for not caring, for being mean, inconsiderant, angry, and moody, for cryingOn,. Your shoulder, and not returning the favor, not being there, not caring, not asking how your day was, being g self centered, not being worried about you, not hugjng you, saying high, or smiling at you, for talking too much, not spending enough time with you, making up excuses, and finally,.

Being a horrible, friend, best friend, or love Intrest.

I love

Grreeeen eyyyess

I don't want to

Pick a side, but to be straight, the neutral thing isn't going to fly.. I'm not sure where I stand right now, on anything, or everything. I don't know quite how much I like people, who I REALLY actualy like, and stupid stuff that is so tiny, that I preettty much am just looking for ways to drag myself down, which I suceed in doing..

I want attention.


And I know it's bad, but I now know that is how I am.








I should be worrying about other people, and trying to help them, but it comes down to, I'm just not a strong enough person to try, to get jealous, compete, and lose.. I'm sorry

Have you read

My last blog?

Because this one is about that one, which I haven't finished. I'm watching a fuching scary greys anatomy. Alright, I'm going to keep writing In my other thing,

Tonight

Ill write out everything,

And give it to you like it is on here. All complaining, all anger, all hurt, all over dramatics, all how I feel, because that's what it is, how I feel, and would you read this if you didn't care about how I feel? Didn't think so.


Listen to drop by blue October

October..October.. October.

Who has a plan? Who has a plan? Oh whoever has a plan?

I do. I'm going to stop. Stop everything and see how it plays out, because im not one to waste my energy if I don't know what I'm doing is right, for god sakes it might not be right.

I have so much to write but it's not the time, or the place. It's time to practice the tuba and let this shaking in my arm worsen.

Tata

Moving on

Past you, your hands, the way you used to hold me, your voice, and your lips.

Done.

It scares me

Too

The insy binsy spider

Crawls up the water spout, down came the rain and washed the spider out.
Washed washedwashed
The spider
Spider the washed

The spider out



Yhw era ouy gniod siht?


Why are you doing this?

Gkshskshnsks

it's not like you would listen if I told you.

It's not like you would belive me

it's nice to know

PeOpLE care. heheh

Click cink chick

I'm turning into the opposite of what I was, and I'm sorry.

Let's be honest, I don't miss aprende. I don't. I'm not even going to try to fake it anymore. I'm not saying I like corona any better.. Wait, I actaully might. But doesn't mean Im enjoying it. It's just I'm now in a group of kids that care. I don't feel small, not good enough, or anything of the sort. I'm not scared of being ridiculed, hurt, or put down. I don't have to deal with as many peoples shifty drama, jeffs complaing, hannahs whining, and people being so stupid. I can be with kids who don't think they have a bigger smarter view over everyone. I get attention I guess, which is good. And that makes me sound stupid, and petty, but at aprende I always felt like a 3rd wheel. And plans were hard to make and rarely happened and when thy did I was left out sometimes, now.. I have a party to go to practicly every week. Friends always right there, and football games are FUCKING FUN. I have people to hang out with everyday after school, homework help of needed. People notice when I'm just a tad down; 3ven if just slightly and help me, worry about me. I get hugs, and constant greetings.

Things cod still be better. I'm disconent. But school is better with that part, and you know what? IT'S GREAT.



I'm keeping my problems more and more to myself. I don't let my anger show as much as It could be, I don't talk to people about everything as much. I don't text as much. I could careless about making sure my realionships with people are strong, I don't try to follow people. I define my self. Listen to my own music, wear my own clothes, forget about everyone else. Don't write as much. Don't do my homework, don't study. Prefer to be alone, just try to make plans with laura, or jack. Sleepover with Mackenzie. But I don't even try too hard to make plans with anyone. I just want to sleep. I don't want to stay up t0 8am. I want to fucking sleep. I have super low self confidence.. Which honestly didn't used to be.

Oh well.




Kthxbai

I want to be

them.

I misss

The feeling of aroudn teh next corner there will be something, someone to make it all better. A magical force to make my problems go away, and something new to occupy my thoughts.


I'm instead, tightly wrapped around where i am now, and lost in the tangles webs of what i should think, and what it is..

"The 21st.
comes so soon every month
An anniversary of not being strong enough
You're much too co-dependent
A shrink is recommended

Your father tells you to try to be responsable
Your mother loves you, but not the way she did before
Your brother's torn to pieces
But no one knows the reasons

He loves the winter, but it smells too much like memories
The ornament she gave him still hangs from his Christmas tree
A jingle bell will glisten
That's when she loved to kiss him

So say farewell to all the little things she would say and do
The morning, sleepy eyed girl waves goodbye to you
You're much to co-dependent
A shrink is recommended
Yeah...

But yeah, who are the people you hang around with?
Who are the ones you're gonna call?
When you feel like ending it all?
But yeah, who are the people you hang around with?
Who are the ones you're gonna call?
When you feel like ending it all?

But I can't bring you down
But I can't bring you down
But I can't bring you down
But I can't bring you down

But I can't bring you down
But I can't bring you down
But I can't bring you down"

Why is only... The 30th?

The impossible choices that we just can't choice. I always have said, there's always a third option, a scapegoat. But recently I wouldhave to say that I couldn't be more wrong. There seems to be no at around, out or through to make this right. Make my life worthwhile. In general my life feels usless placeless and there seems to be no impact. Is there anything I've done for you? I think not. Each day is repetivE and I don't care. Each night I dream the same objective dreams with no point or place. Everything that has or will happen has no affect and no feeling of.. Imporantce.

"so I wipe the blood from both of they're eyes all four of they're eyes"

She. I was asked if there was something to my life to make it better, I answered nothing. There is nothing that is easily reachable for me to have to make my life better. Going back in time be reliving 8th grade will help none. The past is the past and I know that. I may cherish those memories move than my life, but it'll do nothing. Because in 365 days ill be sitting here again. Running home from school, doing the work that's my mind doesn't even think about, and closing my blinds. Sitting, playing blue October. SCREAMING blue October. And fighting off every urge to make this perminet. A fixated spot staining months and years of my life. It gets to a point though. When your at your climax, and you just have to go.

I'm going.

There's only one thing to make this better, and let me tell you, there's no fucking way that'll ever happy. I want manic backx38639639xx

Everyday every minute every mroning I bomb onto the same locked doors and bolted down windows, I don't know how to break it to you,
But I can't be with you.

But I want to be with him

I want to

Be. So. Many. Different. Things.

Though

The blue october concert has only been two months ago.. it feels like years. Highschool has less to offer now. i have less to wake up for, and less to care about. I can't help but say i am a totally different person then when even highschool began. and.. my mood is dramaticlydifferent. I was manicly happy, and being all too blunt, i most defintly am not now. Theres a uncertinancy to each step i take down the hall, and word i say. No one is to blame. Not even myself, thus beign there is no out routes, in routes or places to hid. No room to go in to instead of teh bathroom, no desk to cry behind, and no teacher that actually cares, it gets down to a point where you, i, wonder if anyone does care. Including yourself.
There are personailty traits that are unflatoring, and you don't care for, that you find in yourself. Your view of yourelf goes down, and your body and mind are changign you don't even know whats happening. WEight that you don't want is gaining places you don't want it to be. Let's not even talk about my mind, our mind.
I want to be things, look ways, and have things that are impossible to have. I'm too directly dependent on things i shouldn't be, and i have a knack for leading people on to belive certain things. Or not to belive things. I'm a mixture of nothing but truth and lies that don't blend into anything, and just don't form or make sense. Unless i'm with one person.
Then, then i show my true emotions, i am Saskia Davies, old, present, and new. 6th grade Saskia, 7th grade Saskia 8th grade Saskia, and now, Freshman Saskia. I am insecure, falling to peices, and tiny, i'm tough, big, and beautifull, i have the cement to put myself back together with her, and the gates surrondign me to do so. I can cry, and can show just what everythign means to me. I can say what i want to be. Who i want to be. That wall holding everythign in, all the anger, the tears, the swear words, the confusion. just comes out. and i'm happy.

What is a best friend? Everything.

Mackenzie Crawford is my best friend.



High school is hard. I'm not talking about the school work or the groups of friends. But the fact of how i'm growing changign and everyone else is too. it's a place in finding yourself, because what you thought you knew, or think you know now.. gets blown out of the water. while there was dramtic change in middle school, for atleast me and a few others i know. The things we experinced there is nothing like what we are goign through now. It may not be familar, and it may not be right. But it is everything, and for god sakes everything i have now in a way. I love it. That's right, i guess i love it, in a sick silly stupid way, because i know, once this is over.. i'm going to be still me. Just different. Just like it will always be. I will never, never be afraid to give into changing, and never afriad to stand up for what i want.

The fact being

I haven't posted in awhile.
and the fact being,
this blog is dedicated intirly to much to my love escapdes.


So that's stopping about... NOW.

Down

That's the song that's blastign out of laura's computer's speakers.
It's kinda sad, how screwed up things are. and yeah, jesus. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME HAPPY LAURA.

hehhe. Well, i'm partying with laura and richard,. And i don't think i want to go to jefff's so i'm not. Ohh, the song cahnged to basshunter :D yayay

GUESS WHAT? i don't care about you right now, because i have to be happy right now. i love you.

What goes up

Must come down.
Hello, and welcome to Saskia's going to complian about her life blog.

OH MY GOD.

Alrighty, Zak and i broke up. I've officially lost all confidence in my maturity. and in affect i have lost alot of confidence in myslef. I actually hate how much i miss him. Because i miss him more than i missed jeff. I infact., missed what jeff and i were, while i miss Zak as a person now. He doesn't even talk to me. i don't thinki he's said one word to me directly since we've broken up. I'm actually really sad about the whole fact, and i really really reaalllly do miss him. and i WANT to date him still, because the fact is i don't date people unless i really like them. yeah. i really liked him. But am i weighing how shitty he made me feel? no. I'm not. I'm not talking about how we got in stupig arguments, and how the last week we were together i felt worse than i have ever felt. D: But all i can think is how i miss him lying next to me, and wrappign his arms around me, and him holding me. and him walkign home for me, and missing part of his lunch to walk me to class. and how i thought "hey, i could really love this kid". I miss how he made me feel, and how we were. but, hey.. life ,moves on. well, that's not what i'm thinking, but i have to say somethign right? i mean, i can't just let that take over me, it has for too long.

I'm havign to go to church today. then NCL, and then... ummm. tuba lesson. ugh. too much shit. then another week of fucking hell at school, and walking to classes by myself. So buh bye. No more angry mad sad ssaskia blogging for you :P

Life can

Suck my dick!

It's been too long

that i've been down.
Too long.
I don't know what to do with myself, and i'm just waiting for a break down.

Winds aren't going to slow you down

i think i've finally beat my little depressive moments.
It was a really bad week in my head, and in my chest.
IO'm happy i'm over that.

Screw you PMSing to make me feel so crappy.


I'm thinkign i'll write a poem for miranda today. and jam out, finish rearrangign my room, sleep and do some more stuff, like text ZAK. hheeheh.
Alright, it's time tog o right now.
But i REALLY want a sleeeepoverr

I've been thinking

It's time for me to make a goal list.
I've decided. I need a to-do list this year, SO lets do this thing.

1. Buy a computer for myself, perferably a Mac
2. Get a new phone.
3. Find NEW music
4. Meet new friends
5. Improve myself
6. Take a pee
7.Make straight A's or atleast only get 2B's
8.Stay in a long realtionship
9.SEE BLUE OCTOBER AGAIN
10. Sleep a whole day away
11.Drive a car
12. Win highpoin in a western show
13. Win a highpoint in general
14.Find myself more
15. FInd direction in myself.
16. Be more sure of myself.
17. Be less inscure.
18.Make my own descisions.
19. Prove my my mom wrong about me.
20.Prove myself wrong about me

That's it right now. But, there will be more. I promise.

My head

aches.
I'm way way way too tired for my own good. AH WHAT IF I STOPPED FUCKING COMPLAING?!?

Alright, today was great, much better than yesterday. WAY better than yesterday. It was the first half day at Corona Del Sol, which is grand. Hung out with Laura, Zak, and Alex, which turned out to be way better than goign to Jeff's apparently, because Jeff was being stupid. I knew it would be better for the fact, i didn't feel akward in laura's house, and i just am more at home ther, while i've always been so.. soo.. unbelongign at jeff's house. oh, and teh fact, jeff wasn't there, and neither was steph. I like steph, just not when she's beign a bitch/ when jeff's with her, because he has some kind of crazy obbession with her. WEIRD. Next point, i was with ZAK. zakzakzakzakzakzakzakzakzakzakzakzakzakzakzakzakzakzak. Yeah, that made things way better. and the fatc i was with lauralauralauralaura.

I'M

FUCKING LOSING MY MIND.

You've got to give me a break

Everythign they Write

Fits. Is perfect.

feel that it's hard enough to say goodbye
.I feel there's the water. Should I sink or dive?
An empty plate, fill up my sentimental morning star.
I steal the art of putting truth in a lie.
I still want the girl that reall caught my eye.
But, she lives in Oklahoma City, far away from me.
An empty hope chest.I quit the dope quest,
And remain independently happy.

I'm finally happy, happy, independently happy.

I deal with the fact that I've forgotten the worst.
I feel that my social behavior may seem somewhat unrehearsed.
Another page.
A sullen rage.
And I'll be back to my normal self.

I'm finally happy, happy, independently happy

.I drive to the edge of my considerate plain.
I apologize to the people I hurt on the way.
I wipe the slate clean.
I kick the daydream,
And remain independently happy.

I'm finally happy, happy, independently happy.

I''mmm happpyyy

Ohhh so happy.

Today wasn't suppsoed to be good, but my damn, i'm walking on clouds. I'm looking forward to next weekend, jack and i's great advenuture will happen(: and i'm at my mom's!
Well, nothign really new to report,, so i think ya'll should check out my flickr:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/saaaskiea/

I seriously

They are the coolest<3

I miss you

MIRANDA

BaCk FRoM DeANER

With Taylor's parents. Taylor ditched us for a rodeo, ad her boyfrannnd DAN. Weird. ME and her both broke up with our long tiem boyfriends. and then got new ones. So odd

I'm tired as hell, no idea why, i've found i'm more tired when i don't get enough sleep then when i do. Ever since orme i've just been tired as hell. Not sure why. Hmm.. Oh well.

Tomorrow i have a national chairty league training, HOW FUN. not. right after CHURCH, my day is just a ball of fun. sigh, it'll be fien though, i'll text someone i'm sure and make it through. It's just a few hours. I've been in a way better mood just today and last night than i have been in a while, even this first week with zak being so.. nice. I should probabaly describe how much NICER he's beign then jeff ever was. it's great, don't get me wrong, i loved jeff. I really did. I love him as a friend now, but zak's just more caring. Less bitchy. And swwweeeter. heheh.

First of all, he walks me home. Jeff would never have done that for the life of him. He walks me to classes that are out of his way. He texts me ALOT, i barely talked to jeff at all after like the first few months of school, and by the end of us dating i barely talked to him.. ever. he's just more maturee, jesus christ. i like him better at first then i liked jeff. ugh, i did NOT liek jeff at first,

alright, alright this blog it's self is dedicated WAY too much to my love life. hahah. So, RIght now i'm on myface and spacebook. It's pretty rad, laura and alex broke up. how interesting. It;s kinda both sides issue though. so.. you know... Any whoo. I'm feeling really freakkking tired. It's outrageouuus. I really want to sleep a long time. but hey, when is THAT oing to happeen.

I'm finding life to be easier when i relax. so here i am. relaxing. but just wait till i stress out again. that's like the worst. or when i have trouble with my mom. Today feels imporant. Yesterday too. Only a few months ago, we were stayign up late after promotion dance. you know that? i was still with jeff. I was still straightening my hair every day, freakign out, and not carrying a tuba a around a field, not fishign for things to say, and definitly not knowing how to spell definitly. I don't really miss too much of it. Alright.. i do. alot. I miss Warnock, and sleeping in, and just everything. but i love where i am now, and how much happier i am now. This misisng will fade just like missing 7th grade did. and Dating jeff, it'll be okay, everythign always will

Little taste of

High SCHOOOl.

I love love love love love LOVE h-i-g-h school. All the people that don't know me, or anythign about me, feelign liek i really don;t have peopel in impress.(seems liek it shuld be the opposite right?) but, god i feel so.. great. Free. Adult. Mayeb it's my super duper long walks home, or that my boyfriend usually walks me home every single day(yay!) or close to it, makes me really really happy. I love havign so many differnet classes, and the busyness of the hallways. I lvoe that Zak meets me before 3rd period and walks me to my 4th period. and i love beign able to see all my friends. I just love high school.

I bought new clothes today! only 3 things, but i really liek them! red high waisted skirt, fake leather jacket, and this asssoomme shirt. i also have my bangs cut back into niceness by mackenzie, they were startign to look prettay bad.

I feel liek i haven't blogged abotu anythign good in FOREVER. so i'm tryign to think of all the postive stuff in my life. hahah. And that's what my blogger shoudl really eb about, postive stuff. yes.

Heheh, welll i reallly like Zakkkk. hahah, OoO, and marchign bad in fanstical. and in like 5 minutes o'm leaving to see WONDERFUL taylor UMLAH. and co. hehhe.

SO good bye, for now.

	I can do this. All i have to do is make it through marching band season. It'll be fine.

I have

THe blue October concert to look forward to after band camp..
Daniels texts too.
But then... Marching band for WAY to many months. FML

Hey(:

I'm sitting around,
watching TV.

and.... AGASP. I'm happy. (:

It's not shits and giggles

When I am still hung up on it. And I can not get a straight answer out of you. I know I love you, but it's nothing compaired.

It's bad when I don't realize I'm crying until it slides down to my neck. Oh my god, if i could just rewind. I'd given the world to be back in those moments

Alright

Orme was different this year,
I got over jeff, instead of falling deeper for him,
It sucked at first. Orme you know.
But.. As I moved forward in the sessio. Things got better, mainly the 4 or 3rd to last day when Rambo and I kissed for the 2nd time.. It mad me feeel.. Feeeeeel so good, I was so giggly, so light after, I walked on air, skipped around, couldn't be brought down..
Then the next day, whole camp fire I sat by him, sat infront of him really. Ahahah WELL shared the same seat, his nose brushing my cheek. An my cheek rubbing against him.
We walked to the nurses to get me bandaids, but the nurse wasn't there. And again we kissed, and again I felt like I could touch the sky. And that night when daniel and George snuck over.. It was ovboius he would be with me to the night. And he was.
Till 3am, we never left each others side except when kat and mack stumbled in at 1:30, and he had to hide and when the night patrol came by.

And so I thought I finally had the perfect boyfriend. But no, we all know he loves rachel, and they seem to be better.. Sigh.

Well... I do love you all

The last

few weeks have been.. unbelivable, and so hard,
i'll write more tonight.
but,, i must get ready for band >:(

Minutes

Seconds, hours, days... I'll See you again. Orme is so close, I can taste it I. My lips.

Nothing really good to write today.. Heheh. Love? Yes<3


Mirannnda rachell rambo george!
Oh here I come.

SAVANNAH

M goi g to expolode with exictment about your hair :D

Im just

The type of person to latch onto something and not let go,
Of course.. It's something I'll be able to push through.. Right?
I'm texting guys I don't even really like,
Trying to find someone to measure up to jeff. To what we had.. And how horribley childish and stupid is it of me to want or to look for something to even get close.. Is outrageous, because I can't compair things like that.. Jeff was something totally different, a first love, and even if it ever rekindles it will not be a first love, a third or a fourth, or even a larger number. Love can't be compaired, I'm sure there will me different textures or taste between each one, I might like one flavor better than another but each will be good in it's own way. Hahah I hope.

	I'm trying to sleep.. So i can get some relief.. But images and thoughts are filling my head. And it won't stop. All today, flashing back all over me.. I love you. I miss you. I love you. I miss you. Eh. Over and over moments thoughts. Stop stop mind please stop stop stop. Nothing is stopping this flood.

	Would you belive me if i said i still love you?

It's officaly

Over.
I feel like I made a mistake.. But... I can't put him threw hell by asking him back def. If I find out I didn't make a mistake

	I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I never was good enough for you. Tomorrow.. Tomorrow. I'm sorry babe. I love you. I love you so much, even if i'm going to do this. I'm so sorry

would it be better,

if he didn't care at all,
Or if ibroke his heart?

Of course the first one even if it would burn and hurt more at first.. Or mayeb not.
I don't know... It's going so suck either way.
I'm so sorry, so sorry..
It atleast hurt the first way in my dream..

Oh god oh god, no final kisses.. No no no..
I'm a fucking horrible person it feels.

What am I doing tomorrow?

Ending I One of the things that I used to wakeup for.



Ahhh wowow

Reasons

We've been here for months
You keep ditching me
Spark is gone
Don't pay attention to me
We are more like friends
Fuxxxed me over alot





Ah tomorrow.. Or whenever, I'm sure this is going to fall to shit,
And it's because I love you.

Whywhywhy

Im so tired,
My eyes burn,
I just found out 17 hours with out sleep makes you as impaired as a .5 blood achol level, thus being legally impaired.
Wow.. That's it. I've been legally impaired ALOT

I'm

Tired and my head is really getting bad, maybe I should take advil, then complain about HOW bad my head hurts, and maybe I'll be able to go back to the doctors and get my prescription refilled..
Ahhh, please. I'm drinking lots and lots of water. Still.. Still it hurts

I'm also watching degrassi.. Woo.

My blog SUCKS alot right now, I'll fix it though. I'll post better ones and ones that make sense.
Oh, i'm getting a tooth pulled tomorrow. Mwahahahah

	Getting over you, and playing along. I'm feeling better, and being so fun. Whatever happens. It doesn't matter. I'm not scared any more